I hate groupwork.

Mostly because you are forced to deal with people who you either don't know at all and can't reprimand or wheedle with, or people who you know too well and can't yell at. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation. You have to tailor your pace to match the rest of them and if you're stuck with someone who won't work, well, that's the end of that. Martin, the most mild-mannered man I have ever met, had a screaming match with a classmate because of group work. Anyway, I'm one to talk. I'm not a particularly fantastic group member because I'm not impassioned enough to get people working. If my groupmates are lax, I'll do a good job with my part but I'll never tell the others that they need more work. I'll bitch about them but I won't do one thing about it. If I'm with hard workers, though, I'll take care to match their pace and be kickass.

There was one group yesterday who brought the whole fuckin' preschool to the classroom. There were labels on the door, the blackboard, and the different "areas" (sand and water, coloring corner, reading corner). They had kiddie boards, mats, posters, etc. They demonstrated a typical day at a nursery school, and it scared the hell out of me. They really talk in a different way, these preschool teachers.

"Good MORNING, MIKA! What do you PLAN to do TODAY!!! Would you LIKE to DRAW an ELEPHANT!! What's the WEATHER today!!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not laughing at them. I admire them, in fact, for getting that amount of pep and sunshine and holding it for 3 hours straight. And when they say singing time, they really mean singing time. The "teacher" told her "students" (who were really adults dressed in over-alls, shorts, and braids. Not really a good idea but I'm sure the professor appreciated their effort) to pretend they were crocodiles while counting to 20, snapping both their arms together for teeth. And then they had all these songs for attendance, the date and day of the week, the weather, etc. And you had to be sunny and happy the whooooole time. Wow. It reminded me of this article we had to read for Sociology class, "The Managed Heart," which is about professions that require altering your state of mind (not in that way), presence and social manner, i.e. flight attendants, customer service reps, etc. In short, you CANNOT be in a bad mood. I'm pretty sure that being a preschool teacher is difficult for some people, who want the 3 hours to be over so they can revert to adult vocabulary. I was talking to my classmate, though, and she told me that being with children really does wonders for even the worst mood imaginable.

I guess I can relate because I remember when I was in no mood for social contact, much less with children, and it was Blue Horn day. I walked into the classroom, surly and not ready to "hustle" with children about what games to play (because they can really be pushy. Once they screamed GAME! GAME! GAME! until my head was just about ready to burst), and not caring whether they want to wriggle and misbehave the whole time. Looking at them straggling in and arranging their drawing/writing materials on their desks, however, changed my mood. They could have been looking forward to club time the whole week (I really doubt it, but who knows) and the least I can do was to give them what they deserve. And there's something about little boys that just gets me. They're so eager to please like little puppies, wanting acknowledgement and approval. They're adorably boisterous and energetic, running around and not caring whether their strollers are running over people's feet (I know this from experience. I'll never wear white shoes again). Even when they're thrusting Koosh balls into my hands, begging to play dodgeball in the classroom (Can you believe that), I think they're adorable. I love them. I just got my salary and even if the amount depresses me tremendously, I can still say that the experience is worth it.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing, studying Education and actually teaching little boys (in the once a week sense of the word). Coming from the academic discipline of being a literature major, I'm really not used to all this talking and handling. I'm used to holding what I have to learn in my hand and never having to vocalize anything I don't want to. I'd be comfortable slumped over a desk for hours on end - reading, writing, and talking only to myself. Teaching is a whole other story. You are responsible for living, breathing, thinking, and feeling beings, ones who really really look up to you. Instead of taking everything in, you do your best in bringing, practically hauling it out. You are responsible for them. The gravity of that role still amazes me.

It is also a very humbling experience. For instance, I'm not exactly subtle when it comes to cussing (although I'm trying to break the habit because it's just as bad as smoking), even if my parents are within hearing range. At school, we had to take the students on a field trip within the campus and one of the kids tripped and fell. I instinctively let out an "Oh fuck!" The minute I realized what I had done, I turned red and felt so bad, it was as if I were publicly reprimanded. The kid didn't hear me (At least, I hope he didn't) but it made me realize, right at that moment, how children are so powerful. They can make you feel like the greatest person alive and yet, they also have the ability to make you feel that you just aren't worthy to be around them.

What have i gotten myself into?