Resolutions, revisited and revised

I think I got what I wanted out of 2005, in one way or another. I told myself 2005 will be my year of motion - of larger steps and going concretely past intentions.

Last year I said I would: have a goal for each day and fulfill it
I ended up: not doing it. I did, however, set aside Saturday mornings for folding my clothes. BJ was at work from 7-11 am so I put that time to good (most of the time) use. Mostly, I just had breakfast with Anna, watching her cook things and eating them.

Last year I said I would: take a shower after breakfast, no matter what.
I ended up: doing it before breakfast. Only because I had work. On weekends, I sat around in my pajamas and sometimes high-tailed it to the shower ten minutes to eleven, so BJ wouldn't think I was being lazy. I'd come out to meet him all fresh and showered. This, however, did not happen as often as he wanted.

Last year I said I would: be more affectionate and make the special people feel that they are.
I ended up: following it to a T. 2005 was a perfect year for demonstrating what I really felt, be it crying while missing my family or hugging not-so-random people.

Last year I said I would: be braver.
I ended up: being braver than I ever thought possible. My threshold for emotional pain has widened and my ability to accept has strengthened. With regard to writing, I haven't done shit. I'm starting to actively read poetry, though, a thing that has terrified/intimidated me for so long.

Last year I said I would: try not to be too dramatic.
I ended up: surprising myself. I would usually be crumpled in a heap pitying myself when something would go wrong, but this time, I e v e n t u a l l y learned how to put my chin up and ACCEPT THAT LIFE IS WHAT IT REALLY IS. If it's unfair, then accept it. Some people call it being cynical and since I got back, I've had a number of people calling me that but hey, whatever helps me cope. I will never be completely ready for whatever comes next but I have already braced myself for the worst.

Last year I said I would: put more effort into myself.
I ended up: doing just that. I also gained the ten pounds I wanted.

Last year I said I would: make a stand.
I ended up: not regretting my decision. I'm not the weakling other people take me for (including me).

Last year I said I would: trust more people.
I ended up: I'm undecided about this. I don't think anything happened that called for my trust.

Last year I said I would: never settle for anything less than I deserved.
I ended up: consuming more time than I wanted, but at the same time more satisfied than I had hoped.

Last year I said I would: keep my resolutions.
I ended up: being very very proud of myself.

I don't think I will get even half of what I have (or have not) accomplished for 2005. For once in my life, I thought I had given myself an infallible plan that I went step by step through. However, that plan didn't leave any room for change and, once again, I am back where I actually started.

Goddammit. What do I do now?

1. Be even braver and stronger
2. Assure myself that I WILL BE OKAY if whatever or whoever I am counting on fails.
3. Pray more and appreciate what I already have.

After all, in the words of Death Cab for Cutie,

Out on the street
Are so many possibilities
To not be alone

... Also, gain ten more pounds and improve my horrendous posture!!!