It is better to be alone than to be with your lover and feel lonely
That quote has been ringing in my head ever since I watched "Before Sunset." (over and over and over again)
Sometimes I'm amazed at the decision I've made about my relationship. I would never, not in my wildest dreams, think that I could decide to just leave everything behind and pursue a future with someone. It's not even a particularly set future - I have no idea what's in store for me, except maybe for defeat. Maybe.
It's funny how we get into these huge fights that leave me thinking, "Will this even work? We're not even together yet and look at what damage has been done. From a remote location, no less." There are so many things that are different about us and yet, here we are, still trying to make it work. If I were an outsider, I would definitely think that we were mismatched. Hands down. I don't know why we found each other. I know the hows, whos, whats, and wheres. But why? After six years, I'm still completely clueless.
Look at me though. Choosing to leave everything I know and am comfortable with for someone else. I think about that when we get into a fight. I don't take it against him (I don't even have to ask myself if I love him because the answer lies in the decisions I've been making). I don't take it against anyone. It's just ... the situation I was placed into. How I will always have to choose, how I will always be missing something, and how I will always be a certain kind of lonely. I have no doubts that he will make me happy and make everything worth it but I'm still in the transition stage where nothing is for sure. It makes me feel very hollow and close-to-bursting at the same time.
I don't think anybody in my family (or anyone else, for that matter) understands the magnitude of this decision. My father is in denial. My mother keeps saying, "Anything can happen," which basically translates to, "I have a feeling it won't push through." Or else she thinks that it's going to be so easy, much like a trip to the next baranggay. My brother refuses to talk about it. I am about to go crazy, really, having no one here to talk to about it save for my already exhausted mind.
Since September, I've been doing and looking at everything with a marked kind of depth. Every time my mother invites me to go somewhere, I jump at the chance because I feel that moments like these are precious and slipping away. Today, for instance, she took me for a haircut. She said, "The next time you get a trim will be before you leave." I almost burst into tears. My dad, in spite of his being in denial, keeps looking at me in a different way. Like I'm going disappear any second. Like I have already left. It makes me want to hole myself up in my room because even harmless, involuntary gestures tear me up completely. It's like, I'm not even my own person anymore. I'm just these two halves and they're both close to running on empty. One half is thinking "What the hell am I thinking, leaving everything for one person?" while the other half is thinking "What the hell am I thinking, not leaving everything for one person?" In circles. All the time
I used to be the kind of person that scoffed at anything/anyone that threatened my self-ownership. I hated the girls who would tell their boyfriends to stop smoking and the boys who set rules. Relationships are not about rules, they're about the connections one makes with the other. Or so I thought. Look at me now, though, half the time I don't even know what to do. I'm not even deciding for myself anymore, lately. I'm deciding for my parents or for him. Wtf is that. I know about compromises, I know about sacrifices, but I did not know it was going to occupy 3/4 of my life. The remaining fourth of my life resurfaces a little weakly, and when it does it's almost always considered rebellion. How could you do this to me. How could you how could how could you.
I've been giving. I will spend the rest of my life giving. Pretty soon I will be in a place where I won't be able to scream too loudly, nor will I be able to run away from it all because I will have nowhere to run to. I will have to give everything I have to one person and if something goes wrong, I will have nowhere to turn. I'm terrified of the prospect of being alone should an emotional crisis happen. Right now I feel like I have no say in the matter. It's what should happen, with regard to the current situation of my life.
(Needless to say, of course, I want everything to work out. I want to say, "This was all worth it.")
Honestly, sometimes I just want to give up but I can't. Not until I know for sure it's worth giving up. In order to reach that point, I will have to move. I am open to failure, but not to wondering what might have been. I am open to disillusionment (which has set in long, long before), but not to letting an opportunity pass me by. I am open to the crumbling of things you have long since believed in, but not in not being pro-active about it.
I made this decision. I know it's what I need to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel lonely. Everyday I wake up and dread what decisions I have to make. I need to purge myself of all kinds of guilt and the feeling of being stuck in something I can't handle. I can't make this situation (or anyone) be the boss of me. I'm sure I'm built from much stronger stuff and I am not going to be a fucking pansy about this.
Here's to standing up for myself.
That quote has been ringing in my head ever since I watched "Before Sunset." (over and over and over again)
Sometimes I'm amazed at the decision I've made about my relationship. I would never, not in my wildest dreams, think that I could decide to just leave everything behind and pursue a future with someone. It's not even a particularly set future - I have no idea what's in store for me, except maybe for defeat. Maybe.
It's funny how we get into these huge fights that leave me thinking, "Will this even work? We're not even together yet and look at what damage has been done. From a remote location, no less." There are so many things that are different about us and yet, here we are, still trying to make it work. If I were an outsider, I would definitely think that we were mismatched. Hands down. I don't know why we found each other. I know the hows, whos, whats, and wheres. But why? After six years, I'm still completely clueless.
Look at me though. Choosing to leave everything I know and am comfortable with for someone else. I think about that when we get into a fight. I don't take it against him (I don't even have to ask myself if I love him because the answer lies in the decisions I've been making). I don't take it against anyone. It's just ... the situation I was placed into. How I will always have to choose, how I will always be missing something, and how I will always be a certain kind of lonely. I have no doubts that he will make me happy and make everything worth it but I'm still in the transition stage where nothing is for sure. It makes me feel very hollow and close-to-bursting at the same time.
I don't think anybody in my family (or anyone else, for that matter) understands the magnitude of this decision. My father is in denial. My mother keeps saying, "Anything can happen," which basically translates to, "I have a feeling it won't push through." Or else she thinks that it's going to be so easy, much like a trip to the next baranggay. My brother refuses to talk about it. I am about to go crazy, really, having no one here to talk to about it save for my already exhausted mind.
Since September, I've been doing and looking at everything with a marked kind of depth. Every time my mother invites me to go somewhere, I jump at the chance because I feel that moments like these are precious and slipping away. Today, for instance, she took me for a haircut. She said, "The next time you get a trim will be before you leave." I almost burst into tears. My dad, in spite of his being in denial, keeps looking at me in a different way. Like I'm going disappear any second. Like I have already left. It makes me want to hole myself up in my room because even harmless, involuntary gestures tear me up completely. It's like, I'm not even my own person anymore. I'm just these two halves and they're both close to running on empty. One half is thinking "What the hell am I thinking, leaving everything for one person?" while the other half is thinking "What the hell am I thinking, not leaving everything for one person?" In circles. All the time
I used to be the kind of person that scoffed at anything/anyone that threatened my self-ownership. I hated the girls who would tell their boyfriends to stop smoking and the boys who set rules. Relationships are not about rules, they're about the connections one makes with the other. Or so I thought. Look at me now, though, half the time I don't even know what to do. I'm not even deciding for myself anymore, lately. I'm deciding for my parents or for him. Wtf is that. I know about compromises, I know about sacrifices, but I did not know it was going to occupy 3/4 of my life. The remaining fourth of my life resurfaces a little weakly, and when it does it's almost always considered rebellion. How could you do this to me. How could you how could how could you.
I've been giving. I will spend the rest of my life giving. Pretty soon I will be in a place where I won't be able to scream too loudly, nor will I be able to run away from it all because I will have nowhere to run to. I will have to give everything I have to one person and if something goes wrong, I will have nowhere to turn. I'm terrified of the prospect of being alone should an emotional crisis happen. Right now I feel like I have no say in the matter. It's what should happen, with regard to the current situation of my life.
(Needless to say, of course, I want everything to work out. I want to say, "This was all worth it.")
Honestly, sometimes I just want to give up but I can't. Not until I know for sure it's worth giving up. In order to reach that point, I will have to move. I am open to failure, but not to wondering what might have been. I am open to disillusionment (which has set in long, long before), but not to letting an opportunity pass me by. I am open to the crumbling of things you have long since believed in, but not in not being pro-active about it.
I made this decision. I know it's what I need to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel lonely. Everyday I wake up and dread what decisions I have to make. I need to purge myself of all kinds of guilt and the feeling of being stuck in something I can't handle. I can't make this situation (or anyone) be the boss of me. I'm sure I'm built from much stronger stuff and I am not going to be a fucking pansy about this.
Here's to standing up for myself.
4 comments:
Awwww. You're really leaving...
I'm built from much stronger stuff. You echo my thoughts 5 years ago. With regard to leaving all you are familiar with, I know what you are going through. I went through the same thing. The difference between us is that I didn't have months to think about what I was getting into. I just took, as they say, a leap of faith. Something like bahala na...whatever happens, happens. If it doesn't work out, chalk it up to experience. No what ifs, no regrets.
I don't know what is in store for you and BJ but you do all you can to make it work. Whatever happens, you can look back and say that with pride and a smile on your face.
That takes a lot of courage. *hugs*
I'm very much proud of you Mika.
I can't claim to know exactly how you're feeling. But all that you fear, all that you think, all that you feel are not alien to me. If anything, you deserve to be happy. At first, you might feel squirmish about the decision you made. But you had to do it for YOU.
Not to sound cliche, I'll claim to be available for you should you need to scream out of frustration when you do move.
Good luck, Mika!
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