I am in desperate need of some spiritual prodding. The rest of my family seem to be comfortably settled in that department. My brother has always been of strong faith, and my parents, well, ever since they started attending Bible Study, I can see how much their relationship has improved. They never used to do anything together and there was always a kind of constant, unbridled tension in the air, especially when we were on road trips. I dreaded birthdays and weekend trips because I was always sure it was going to involve a parental explosion of some sort. Not anymore. It's a little strange how my parents and my brother attend different sectors of religious celebration but, well, wherever they're happy.

And then there's me.

I live within three minutes of the parish and yet, something about it repulses me. The priests, for instance. All they talk about is how I'm going to go home and die unprepared. The choir is another thing that completely pisses me off . Don't get me wrong - I am all for singing. I believe that singing is twice praying and all that but really, when you turn the celebration of the mass into a frickin' concert, that's a completely different story. The choir members are not solemn, not talented and they try so hard to individually outdo each other. It's just horrible. I cannot stand it. If only I lived near Ateneo or even near parishes with priests who are in the very least, sincere. As it is, the priests (at least, the ones I have heard) near my house only care about donations, stupid sex jokes, and scaring people. As a result, I glare at the priests' sermons and talk all throughout mass. Wrong, I know.

I tried to confess my sin. "I don't get anything out of mass," I told a priest in Magallanes because although I know that was a stupid thing to say, I was desperate for something concrete that I could hold onto. I didn't care if he scolded me, I just wanted to understand what was happening to me. The priest told me that I don't have to get anything out of mass, that it was my duty to be there whether I wanted to or not. I was appalled. Surely there was a better explanation than that. That Sunday, his homily was all about my confession. I listened intently for something that would help clarify my situation, but nothing happened. Duty duty duty was all I heard. I needed something more.

Last semester, Dr. Parco assigned us all to attend a day of prayer for Theology class. During the sacrament of confession, I told one of the priests that I was sick of attending mass at our parish because the priests were terrible and I wanted to throw things at them (I'm not lying. I really told the priest this). He laughed, said he can't blame me because some priests are better than most but despite that, it shouldn't matter. They are all instruments of God and I was there not for the priest but for the celebration. That shut me up for about 3 seconds. "So I have to grin and bear it?" "No," said the priest. "The best advice that I can give you is 'Go out of your way.'"

For some reason, I never did. I wanted and envied the spiritual fervor that some people have and I couldn't understand why, at the thought of Sunday Mass, my heart just gives a lurch. So I thought, hey, maybe I should give other religions a try.

Recently, I attended Christian Worship with my parents, just to see if it would work for me. It opened with thirty minutes of nonstop singing. I looked around to see people crying and waving their arms. After that, we sat down and was given an hour of powerpoint presentations. Granted, the pastor(?) gave an interesting lecture but ... it was just like a really good Theology class. It was then that I realized the beauty and importance of the Catholic ritual. I admired how the people were all singing their hearts out and how the talk was inspiring but all in all, there was something missing.

So presently, I still don't have the answer. I have a feeling that my being "blocked" to religion (At least, in the Catholic or Christian sense of the word) is the fact that I find it hard to surrender. If I lift up whatever it is I am going through, how sure am I that something will be done about it? I have this intense need to do everything myself. I want to solve problems myself, answer questions because of my own probing... basically, it is hard for me to trust anyone else. I am always aware of the possibility of people betraying me and so no, I would rather do everything myself. I do not understand how easy it is for some people to "Leave it all up to Him." I just don't.

So hell, I don't know what's going to happen to me. I want something I can truly believe in, especially now, a time when countless disappointments are successively coming my way.

22 seems like a good, solid age for some people. In my case, I am as wobbly as an adolescent physically, emotionally, and spiritually.