Year of the Dogwoman

Because I'm a frustrated tumbler

2009-06-10T21:10:00.007+08:00

You know what, just follow me here too. I still want to keep this account for the nice long entries :)

Crazy love

2009-06-07T13:00:00.004+08:00

Ever since Red, I've been swimming in a sea of strangeness.

I've met and been exposed to different kinds of people (some better than others) and I've just basically been doing things differently.

I have the strangest tan lines because I fell asleep by the pool with my hand over my shoulder and still wearing my shorts. I got thrown into a pool and although this wasn't the first attempt, this was the first time I've gotten too drunk to fight or care. I've been in some pretty amazing fights, the ones that start with screaming matches and end with both of us just falling asleep from sheer exhaustion. Then we wake up laughing our heads off. The range of emotions I've been made to feel is unimaginable.

The point is, it's exhilarating and never predictable but I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

See, I'm not a bad person

2009-05-28T18:44:00.002+08:00

From my Korean classmate back in high school:

hi mika! remember me? ;)
i just want to tell u that you were really good girl to me.
back to high school life,
you were the girl who always smile to everyone.
i just wish i could speak english better then...
so we could be good friends lol.
anyway,
good to see you in happy good looking!
take care! God bless!

It's always nice to be remembered :)

Today, I was kidnapped for lunch, Red helped a wounded girl get to the hospital and I have to cram a whole thesis by tomorrow. I'm barely halfway through. Shall a miracle happen? Positive vibes encouraged :)

Excerpts from Erica Jong's "The Perfect Man"

2009-05-14T18:47:00.000+08:00

"The perfect man - for any woman - is the man who loves her constantly and fucks her frequently, passionately, and well; who adores and admires her; is at once reliable and exciting; an earthly Adonis and a heavenly father figure; a beautiful son, a steady daddy; a wild-eyed Bacchic lover and a calm, sober, but still funny friend. Can you find all these attributes in one man? Not bloody likely! And if you find them, will they endure for all the various passages of your life? Not bloody likely."

"Ah - the dream of the true partner. He is, after all, "the perfect man." Do we find him? Or do we train him? Do we grow him in our gardens or import him from the moon? And if we find him, will he go mad at twenty-five or into a depression at thirty, or wind up fucking baby-sitters at forty? Can we love him without coddling him? Can we make demands on him without being left? Can we find a balance between giving and taking? Can we receive as graciously as we give?"

"I used to be intrigued by the things that ended relationships. Now I am most fascinated by what allows them to continue. A marriage that lasts is always in a state of metamorphosis. The perfect man transforms the perfect woman. They know each other by their willingness to be transformed."

From Erica Jong's "Fear of Flying"

2009-05-10T11:58:00.003+08:00

"Somewhere between the bathroom and the bedroom, somewhere between eating an egg and taking a crap, the muse alights. She does not usually appear where your banal Hollywood notions have led you to most expect her: in a gorgeous sunset over Ischia, in the pounding surf of Big Sur, on a mountaintop in Delphi (right between the navel of the earth and the place where Oedipus killed his papa) -- but she wings in while you are peeling onions or eating eggplant or lining the garbage can with the book-review section of The New York Times. The most interesting modern writers know this. Leopold Bloom fries kidneys, takes a crap, and considers the universe. Ponge sees the soul of man in an oyster (as Blake saw it in a wildflower). Plath cuts her finger and experiences revelation. But Hollywood insists on imagining the artist as a dreamy-eyed matinee idol with a flowing bow tie, Dmitri Tiomkin's music in the background, and a violent orange sunset above his head -- and, to some extent, all of us (even those of us who should know better) try to live up to this image."

Made my day

2009-04-29T12:16:00.002+08:00

Jaemark: Hey, nakacommit na ako for two tickets for The Fantasticks ha
Me: YUP! Salamat ha, nalista ko na
Jaemark: Paborito ko pa naman si human torch. can't wait to see him on the stage
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
Jaemark: "The Fantasticks is a 1960 musical with music by Harvey Schmidt and lyrics by Tom Jones." I can't wait for the human torch to sing delilah.

Demet.

Marriage

2009-04-27T16:51:00.001+08:00

Ever since my dad resigned/retired, he and my mom have been spending a lot of time together. It's nice to see. I don't remember a time when they were always together, especially when my dad was still working. He always had his own thing and my mom always had hers. I'm a little nervous because although they're married, being together 24/7 can get on anyone's nerves but so far, things have been alright. My mom seems happier and my dad seems healthier and more relaxed. They're planning a new house and it's been keeping them pleasantly occupied.

My college professor once said that married couples always have to be friends because they start out being alone and end up alone, when the children start leading their own lives. My brother and I still live with our parents but we pretty much have our own lives (well, my brother does. I'm still on allowance haha). We don't get to have dinner together as much anymore and I'm sure for a while my mom was frustrated because she was always alone but now that my dad has more time to spend with her, I'm sure she's happier. And when my mom is happier, we are all happier because whether we like it or not, the state of household affairs and harmony revolves around my mother's moods.

Did you get older doing nothing today?

2009-04-02T10:35:00.001+08:00

At 3 am this morning, I JUMPED OUT OF BED because for the life of me, I didnt' know if the test I took required "T or F" or "True or False." I frantically texted my classmates and when they said that it was T or F, I tried to go back to bed but couldn't. Instead I woke up at 8 am, the exact same time I've been waking up for the past two weeks because my body was telling me to study. Well, I do have some papers to write but technically, Junior Year is DEAD. It's dead to me.

I need some elaborate pigging out plans. Hopefully involving a beach and/or a fluffy bed.

I have some work to do, though. There's a play I'm marketing and there's a thesis I'm pointedly ignoring but eventually has to be written. For now, though, I'm hellbent on finishing these papers and my oral exam and then trying to salvage what little time I can spend with my boyfriend and fattening up. That's the plan, Stan.

Chill

2009-03-29T11:58:00.000+08:00

Last night, I was sitting around when my entire body got cold. I jumped under the covers because I was so sure it was a ghost (I've seen it on Magandang Gabi Bayan and all those horror shows) and I didn't want to feel it, much less see it. I kept trying to text Red to tell him about it but I was so scared that if I acknowledge it, something worse would happen. PLUS, knowing him, he'll reply to confirm that YES that is a ghost sitting on your face so it's cold. Man, I hope I was wrong.

Maybe it got mad because I didn't observe Earth Hour.

Hi, guys

2009-03-21T19:49:00.003+08:00

Exactly one year ago, I wrote this.

Although I feel pretty much the same, I think I have learned to balance my law school existence into being a good (enough for me) one.

When I was a freshman, I just about killed myself studying. FAIL.
When I was in my second year, I refused to listen to people. FAIL.

Now that I'm on my third year, I believe I have gotten it right.

When I'm sleepy, I go to sleep.
I have a relatively active social life. This means going out with my boyfriend once a week and the odd party, here and there. I realize that this is still puny compared to the others but whatever, it works.
Bad recitations no longer ruin my day and when midterms/finals are near, I give recitation up altogether. I have experienced studying like mad for recitation and then screwing up on written examinations. NOT good.

Aside from that, I have also learned a few things about relationships.

When your boyfriend says he doesn't feel like talking about a fight, YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT THE FIGHT. Two irrational and angry people will never make a connection and will prolong the agony and drain both of you to the bone. And then when the weekend comes, you have to spend most of it making up, partly obliterating the small window of time you could have spent just having fun (a long, hard process but I'm getting there).
Sometimes, you just have to surrender to the fact that you are two different people and he/she will never react the exact same way you want him/her to, and that's fine. He/she doesn't love you any less. It's just different.
Rehashing and analyzing are for girl friends, not boyfriends.
There are certain things you just stop bringing up.
Fights are not the end of the relationship, or the world.

About friendship.

Girl friends are a beautiful thing to have. I used to be a little anti-girl friend, mostly because of their tendency to huddle together and whisper/screech. However, my girl friends are strong, unapologetic little things who neither whisper nor screech. And they were there when I needed someone the most. They were there to blindly agree when I needed them to and to tell me off when I needed them to.
Still not a believer of pleasing everybody and this has served me well over the years. I'm still not friends with everybody in the world and I like it fine.

About myself.

This old dog can still be taught new tricks.

... yeah I think I'll start blogging again.

from Jeanette Winterson

2009-03-18T10:54:00.000+08:00

By this I mean that I have come completely towards the understanding of relationship – to a partner, to friends, to work, to life itself, as a negotiation, as a dialogue, as something that always shifts because it must. If it stalls, I have to look past the ‘situation’, however dire, and back to the people who made it. Then there is a chance.

Just something to remember.

Calling all Twilight fans

2008-11-06T14:30:00.002+08:00

November 14, 7PM
Fully Booked, High Street
Fort Bonifacio
Ticket prices to be announced soon

In November, women all over the world commemorate what they call "Take Back the Night." (Information here)

Also, the Twilight movie is going to be screened in the Philippines on the 26th so my aunt, working with Kalakasan Foundation, decided to hold an event to celebrate the upcoming film and take advantage of the book's context to talk about violence against women.

There will be movie passes and posters raffled off.

There will also be things like poetry reading, interpretative readings of book excerpts, etc etc.

This will be with the participation of the Twilight Coven (I know, right? Who would have thought we would have one)

The money left over will donated to the family of Tara Santelices.

I admit I have never had any inclinations towards reading Twilight but because I promised to help my aunt, I had to educate myself so... voila. I've read the book (am starting on New Moon as we speak) and believe that this event will be socially relevant to women everywhere. SO if you have any ideas or want to participate, please let me know by emailing me at gossamer @ gmail dot com. Any suggestions are welcome and it would be great if we all came together and helped out.

The event will be hosted by Karen Kunawicz.

COME!

2008-08-12T08:57:00.001+08:00

August 16, 8pm
Mag:net High Street
Tickets at P150

10 Random facts (crossposted)

2008-06-16T08:22:00.001+08:00

I believe Ruffles Cheddar with Sour Cream is the best potato chips flavor on earth, and, borrowing words from Phillip Seymour Hoffman, anyone who thinks otherwise, I will fight to the death.
On that note, I will choose Ruffles over cake, chocolate, ice cream and/or cookies.
Ever since I had my eyes lasered, I have had an extreme dependency on eye drops. I have a whole assortment of them.
I felt genuine panic when I lost my Rules of Court. However, I am also looking forward to buying a new one! Breaking out a new codal is satisfying to me (and to law students everywhere, I'm sure)
I have hyperthyroid, meaning I am on medications for life. Meaning, it's difficult for me to gain weight. Meaning, I have to take blood tests every six months. Meaning, it sucks.
I have never had a mani/pedi in my life and have always wondered what they feel like, since I always cut my own nails. Maybe soon.
It's only recently that I got the chance to get haircuts on my own. My mom always felt the need to watch over my haircuts like a hawk and I have no idea why. She always thinks I'll do something crazy, like *gasp* actually get bangs!
I don't know if I truly like being in law school but I also don't know what I would do, otherwise. Stasis, thy name is Mika.
That said, I have forgotten everything I've learned in my first 2 years of law school.
I really should go back to studying Succession. And shower.

Summer reading

2008-06-06T08:19:00.002+08:00

I only read two books this summer: Night and Day by Virginia Woolf and Fear of Flying by Erica Jong.

I cannot recommend both enough.

I just finished Fear of Flying and every woman should read it at least once. I always saw it at Booksale and always always passed it by for some other book and now I regret not reading it sooner. Yes it's about love, relationships, self-discovery, and all the other things that all the other books offer but damn if it isn't brutally honest.

Red was reading it over my shoulder and I shut it so quickly I was so embarrassed, it felt like he was reading my diary.

Of course some people will disagree but read it anyway.

Avenue Q Final Run

2008-04-25T11:50:00.001+08:00

I'm selling tickets for the June 17 show! Please email me for inquiries

gossamer AT gmail DOT com

Tickets go for 1,300, 1,100, 1000 and 500. Thank you!

Here's an interesting story

2008-04-06T14:25:00.001+08:00

Last night I was on the elevator going down from my friend's place when we saw a bright-eyed little boy with what looked to be his very young mother. When the elevator stopped, the mother made as if to leave and I honestly thought she was blind because the little boy (who looked to be around 8 years old, give or take) held on to her and said "No mom, not yet." I thought, what a sweet little boy.

And then I saw that the mother was barefoot. She was really pretty but her eyes were half-closed and was stumbling all over the place. When we stepped into the elevator, the boy told us, "Sorry she's not feeling well." This was about the time that we realized that the mother was not sick but DRUGGED OUT OF HER FRICKIN' MIND. Not drunk. Drugged. She asked her son for a cigarette and then proceeded to put it in her mouth upside down. Her son put it in the right way (Sorry I'm not a smoker I don't know the terms) and when the mom asked him a lighter, he said "I think we left it, Mom."

At this point I was just staring at the floor wide-eyed in disbelief. The kid was looking at us in a strange, bright-eyed way. It wasn't that he was mad or anything. He was wondering what we were thinking of his mother and he was putting on a front as if to say "HEY everything's fine! My mom's fine! I'm fine!" and looked like he was just so used to covering up for her. It was the saddest thing. When the elevator reached the lobby, the son, again, held on to his mother and said "Here Mom, we're on the ground floor already."

I seriously wanted to rub his back or something but I was so scared the mom would freak out and claw at my face.

Oh, the mother is (well, was) a D-list actress with the initials C.V.

It was just really sad. What a life for that very well-mannered boy.

Woo!!!

2008-03-29T16:58:00.000+08:00

MY BROTHER IS A MOTHER EFFIN' LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cross posted

2008-03-28T20:37:00.005+08:00

May I just say that I love Zithromax and all its 3-day glory. I have finals coming up and I have the stirrings of a full-on flu and because I can't be bothered with 5 days of forgetting, I now only have to deal with 3! Hurrah!

I'm still not all better but it's a big improvement from yesterday where I felt and sounded like I had buckets and buckets of phlegm.

I love you, Zithromax. And Claritin. And Benadryl. And Sinutab (Extra Strength). And Decolgen (non-drowsy).

Oh and of course, I love you Thyrax. Without you I would still think I had Parkinson's disease and a golf ball in my throat.

Amen.

Good riddance, school year

2008-03-21T12:28:00.005+08:00

The school year is heaving its last breath and to say that I am ecstatic is an understatement.

It's been toxic in more ways than one - academically, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have forgotten a lot of things about the world and myself and I intend to reacquaint myself with both.

I like what I'm learning and I intend to do my best to finish what I started (not that I'm very good at it) but there are so many days when I just want to up and leave. The environment is just too much for me.

A few reminders: I am infinitely more interesting than what I am in law school. The world moves in much more relevant ways than it does in law school. There are so much more kinds of people than the ones in law school - they are wittier, more genuine and on a whole other plane of maturity that I have so inconveniently forgotten.

I have to realign my senses as to who I really am and classify what feelings are truly mine as opposed to the feelings that I was merely suckered into experiencing. It has been too negative a semester and I hate far too many people (myself, included) than is considered healthy.

There have been blessings, of course. People I have come to love and old friends that I appreciate so much more, now that I realize that, dammit, there are only a handful of people that I am willing to be with.

I cannot wait for this semester to end and I cannot wait for the real world to start, even just for 2 months. I really need a fucking break.

P.S. Of course I'm not talking about EVERYONE in law school. I don't have a superiority complex. Just semi-bad experiences with people. I wish it were a bigger place so it would be easier to ignore but as it is, everyone is confined and exposed to everyone else's negative vibes.

The Ensure Challenge: Round 56

2008-01-06T20:53:00.000+08:00

Even if it's really difficult to gain weight while I'm on a relatively high dosage of Thyrax (thyroid medication), the doctor suggested that I drink Ensure twice a day. This was a year ago, and I've been on and off Ensure because I really despise the stuff. It tastes too much like milk and it makes me want to vomit. However, since it's 2008 and I have no resolutions at all, I have decided to give Ensure another try.

What's funny is that my mother, in her almost manic attempt at getting me to drink Ensure everyday, suggested that I use the Starbucks thermos so it will look more "encouraging" (her words, not mine).

What's funnier is that it worked. So let's go, ten pounds!

Another muse for a tragic love song

2007-09-30T19:29:00.000+08:00

It's sad to have to fall short when you both try to give each other the world.

We tried, and I'm sorry.

I've been feeling like Charlie Brown these days...

2007-08-14T11:58:00.000+08:00

... So here's a nice strip.

I hate midterms

2007-08-09T09:19:00.000+08:00

Someone should do a study on how much people change during testing periods. In my school alone, you would come up with a lot of character profiles.

Some people just won't shut up.

Some people think they're much better than everyone else and, yes, they STILL won't shut up.

Some people, even if they have the intention of helping you out, come across as being annoyingly patronizing.

Some people huddle together and try to outdo one another with how much they know .

Some people just want to be left alone.

I consider myself as one of the people who want to be left alone but when I do ask questions, I don't want any hoity toity tones like "Oh my god, you don't even know that?" or "Oh my god, I told you I told you" or "No no no no." If I'm wrong, tell me why and then shut up. Don't go into a whole tirade about it because it pisses me off.

And it's a curious thing - how people go from being mad silent to SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS and/or whining when they get out of the testing room. Well, okay, yeah I'm one of those.

I wish it would be over so people and the whole vibe would go back to normal. The air is so thick with competition and the desire to one-up everyone, I could spoon it up and have it for breakfast.

Show and tell

2007-08-03T21:11:00.001+08:00

This picture was taken 2004.

My brother was a law school sophomore and I was a couple of months out of college (and teaching in Ateneo Grade School, I think).

I was laughing at him because he was studying for Property on a Sunday.

3 years later, I find myself in the exact same situation.

Life sure has a funny way of sneaking up on you.

Midterms.

Random memory

2007-07-14T20:42:00.000+08:00

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but I still can't get over the fact that I went to the airport to go to the States a whole day earlier than scheduled. It's insane that I didn't even bother to check my ticket. I was under the impression that the travel agent and I were talking about the same date of departure so I took his word for it.

I spent most of the day resting, showered twice and made sure I didn't leave anything behind. My dad went home early so he and my mom could take me to the airport and say a proper goodbye. I remember feeling sad because it had been a fairly long time since I went to visit BJ (almost 2 years) and I didn't know if I wanted to go through the whole hello-goodbye process all over again. So we said our goodbyes, the man from the airport helped me through the gates and onto the check-in counter.

Where the lady told me that my flight was on the following day. What the hell. I called the agent a million times and felt so bad for being so scatter-brained. The man who helped me couldn't believe it, either. Sheepishly, I even asked, "Palagi siguro nangyayari 'to noh?"

"Hinde. Bihirang bihira."

Wow. This is what bad partnership/ObliCon cases are made of.

I was ushered back to the exit where I called my parents to come back and get me. The minute I saw their car winding their way through traffic, their windows were down and they were laughing at me. Laughing at me. That's when I started jumping up and down and laughing along with them.

My mom said "Ay nako, Mika. Why am I not surprised?"

I threw myself onto the backseat and screamed profanities all the way home. It was awesome.

The Millionaire's Club

2007-07-02T20:50:00.000+08:00

20 of us shelled out 1,500 pesos to get 25 lottery tickets each. The big draw is on Wednesday and we are looking to get around 2.5M each. That is, of course, if the stars are in our favor.

Mick couldn't stop talking about what he'd do with his share (laptop, time deposit, and ibibigay kay Charity haha)

Camille wants to get a car.

I can't even begin to think what I would do with 2 million pesos.

It's a long shot and we probably won't get anything but damn is it fun to dream.

2 days from now, I could be a millionaire!

Alas, even millionaires have to study for Nego.

Times Square, 3 am

2007-06-07T08:43:00.000+08:00

There is nothing better than this feeling in this exact place in the world.

The Dead - Billy Collins Animated Poetry

2007-05-11T01:55:00.001+08:00

Forgetfulness - Billy Collins Animated Poetry

2007-05-11T01:54:00.001+08:00

My brother's a barrister!

2007-04-11T20:36:00.000+08:00

Yay!! Bar ops, here we come!!

Four long years of hard work. I can only begin to imagine how thrilled he is.

Just for the record

2007-04-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

Week 2 of summer vacation.
I have read:

Louise Gluck - Meadowlands
Louise Gluck - The Wild Iris
Louise Gluck - Vita Nova (still reading this one)
Bernard Schlink - The Reader
Khaled Hosseini - The Kite Runner
Joan Didion - The Year of Magical Thinking (still reading this one)
Orhan Pamuk - The Black Book (still reading this one)

I have watched:

Heroes
Ugly Betty - I can't get into this one. It annoys me.

Doctors seen:

Ophthalmologist - I still have 20/20 vision. Hurrah for lasik technology.
Orthopedist - Confirmed scoliosis. Found my protruding rib strange and ordered X-rays and possible MRIs.
Got my TSH-Irma blood test. Waiting on results.

Albums listened to:

Feist - The Reminder
Tracey Thorn - Out of the Woods
Mika - Life in Cartoon Motion
Smoke City - Flying Away
Timbaland - Shock Value

Sorry, I like lists.

Freshman year signing off.

2007-04-05T16:28:00.000+08:00

So freshman year is over.

It didn't feel all that official - not when I handed in my last blue book as a freshman and I got all paranoid that my professor didn't say "See you next sem," like he did with all the others, not when my classmate came rushing out of Veritas whooping, and not when I said goodbye.

It only felt official when my parents clinked wineglasses with me and my brother (who has officially ended senior year and is in that awkward moment between senior and barrister), my dad saying "It's over. The three law students can all officially relax."

The third law student is, of course, my mother, who couldn't sleep AT ALL during finals week because her two grumpy children were pacing all over the house muttering and snapping at each other.

I wish I could relax, but I can't. Not when I know that grades will be out on the 30th, when I would find out if I made the average I NEED to make to enter sophomore year. My father has merrily been crowing out his predictions for my grades, all of which are NOWHERE near my expectations. It's nice to have a supportive father but really, his fearlessly over-optimistic forecasts are freaking me out.

I'm not used to walking around the house without nothing school-related to think about. I have all this empty space before me and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

A list:

Sleep in
Read all the books I've set aside
Make reviews for the Prose Portal
Get my long-overdue blood test and hope that my thyroid has been behaving, despite the stress I've been under
Finally get my rib checked. My left rib is protruding at a weird angle and my hypochondriac self is kicking in
Maybe I can also have my nose checked, which feels a little on the broken side, seeing that it has not stood up to my superior dermatological skills (I'm never going to squeeze my zits again. Maybe)
Switch internet providers, get a wireless router and have it set up
Catch up with my non-law school friends (and please, NO TO ROCKWELL)
Try to write something substantial
Go to confession. It's pretty tough going to confession in school when both the priests are your professors. It would be too awkward.
Wait.

Oh god, the waiting is going to kill me.

Fraudulent!

2007-03-26T22:29:00.001+08:00

Wow. Oblicon was so bad that when I got the questionnaire, I thought it was a Criminal Law test. I was so confused that I almost went up to the proctor to doublecheck.

Insane. Insane.

I might have a buffer (midterms) but still still still. Bwiset.

I feel like I never went to class. Parang... wherefore art thou knowledge?

On the way home, my ipod decided to play Foo Fighters' "Aurora" which, incidentally, I have always associated with school.

I just kinda died for you, you just kinda stared at me...

I thrive best, hermit style

2007-03-14T18:58:00.000+08:00

Sometimes my Ipod knows me a little too well.

The first time I heard this song (around three years ago), I immediately put it on repeat. I would listen to nothing else for the entire week. I hate it when people say this but since it's true, I'm going to say it as well: It spoke to me. There are a lot of love songs that hit the spot, but only some of them hit the right one. This one is bullseye for me.

My Ipod just happened to play it two days ago and I thought to myself, "How beautifully appropriate."

Bjork - Unison

One hand allows the other
So much and me

Born stubborn me
Will always be
Before you count
One two three
I will have grown my own private branch
Of this tree

You gardener
You discipliner
Domestically
I can obey all of your rules
And still be, be

I never thought I would compromise
I never thought I would compromise
I never thought I would compromise

Let's unite tonight
We shouldn't fight
Embrace you tight
Let's unite tonight

I thrive best hermit style
With a beard and a pipe
And a parrot on each side
But now I can't do this without you

I never thought I would compromise
I never thought I would compromise
I never thought I would compromise

Let's unite tonight
We shouldn't fight
Embrace you tight
Let's unite tonight

One hand loves the other
So much and me

Let's unite tonight
We shouldn't fight
Embrace you tight
Let's unite tonight

Let's unite tonight
We shouldn't fight
Embrace you tight
Let's
Ooohhhh ooohh

Unison
Unison
Unison

I read somewhere, though, that "Vespertine" is an album about the September 11 attacks. That means I am reading the song all wrong. It doesn't matter.

Song Survey

2007-02-12T18:21:00.000+08:00

It took me a long time to answer this and I'll most probably change it (mentally) a couple of hours from now but anyway, as of now, and off the top of my head, my answers are:

Opening Credits:
”I’ve just seen a face” – John Pizzarelli
“Video” – India Arie
“Pictures of Success” – Rilo Kiley

Waking Up:
”Feminina” – Joyce
“Me and those dreamin’ eyes of mine” – D’Angelo
“Favorite Adventure” – K’s Choice

Average Day:
"Under the Weather" - KT Tunstall
“On and on” – Erykah Badu
“Another Day” – Papas Fritas

First Date:
”Use Me Up” – Bill Withers
“Attention” – Kelis
“Sumthin’ Sumthin” - Maxwell
“Talk to Me” – Keri Noble
“66” – Afghan Wigs

Falling in Love:
”My Foolish Heart” – Jane Monheit
“I Remember You” – Diana Krall
“Turn your lights down low” – Lauryn Hill
“Truthfully” – Lisa Loeb
“Moonlight” - Sting
”Prototype” – Andre 3000

Love Scene:
”Do you wanna” – Donnell Jones
“Take my time tonight” – R Kelly
“Teach you a lesson” – Robin Thicke
“The Light” - Common
“Come Here Boy” – Imogen Heap
“Blanket me in you” – Esthero
“Alright” – Kinnie Star
“Secret” – Maroon 5

Fight Scene:
”Caught a lite sneeze” – Tori Amos

Breaking Up:
”Sparks” – Coldplay
“Oh lately it’s so quiet” – Ok Go
“Cold Water” – The Reindeer Section
“Grazed Knees” – Snow Patrol
“Gone” – Esthero
“You had time” – Ani Difranco

Getting Back Together:
“Country Girl” – James Iha
“On your side” – Pete Yorn
”Peach Trees” – Rufus Wainwright
“Feet off the ground” – Erin Bode
“Sleeping in” – The Radio Dept.
“Your House” – Jimmy Eat World

Secret Love:
”The Sweetest Taboo” – Sade
“Tear You Apart” – She Wants Revenge
“Caramel” – Suzanne Vega
“Right Place, Wrong Time” - Avant

Life’s Okay/Steady steady:
”This is the sound” – Juliana Hatfield
“Malibu” – Hole
“24/7” – Melanie Blatt
“Let Me” – Sergio Mendes feat. Jill Scott
“Wrapped up in Books” – Belle and Sebastian

Mental Breakdown:
”Internal Crash” – Loquat
“Siren” – Tori Amos
“Pulling our Weight” – The Radio Dept.

Driving:
”Wildflower” – Rachael Sage
“Mint Car” – The Cure
“Consolation Prizes” – Phoenix
“Spanish Joint” – D’Angelo
“Tin Man” - America

Deep Thought:
”Over our heads” – Jon Brion
“Come in from the cold” – Joni Mitchell
“The words” - Psapp
"I Saw the Light" - Todd Rundgren

Partying:
”Pepino Beach” – I forgot
“Tit 4 Tat” – Fabolous
“She wants to Move” – N.E.R.D.
“A Praise Chorus” – Jimmy Eat World
“Girl” – Beck
“All Nite (Don’t Stop)” – Janet Jackson$
“So Into You” - Tamia

Happy Dance:
”Too Young” – Phoenix
“Accidentally Kelly Street” – Frente
“Come on! Feel the Illinoise!” – Sufjan Stevens
“Golden” - Switchfoot

Regretting:
”Tear in your hand” – Tori Amos
“Pag Agos” – Up Dharma Down
“No Ending” - Delays

Long Night Alone:
”Left Behind” – Zero 7
“A Cold Wind will blow through your door” – Bill Ricchini
“Flying High” – Jem
“Rootless Tree” – Damien Rice
"Other Side of the World" - KT Tunstall

Death Scene:
”Merman” – Tori Amos

Closing Credits:
”Bravedancing” – Rachael Sage
“Chega de Saudade” – Jane Monheit
“Giving Up” – Howard Hello

2007-01-31T20:44:00.000+08:00

I'm only good at being young

2007-01-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

I know I never talk about anything other than law school, so I thought I'd talk about it some more. Yesterday was my Constitutional Law II midterm exam. I was so relaxed, planning my whole study schedule around the two free days and allotted 1-3 PM, Saturday, for going over the requisites and provisions one last time. I was taking my sweet time, staying home till 11:30 AM trying to psych myself by listening to music, etc.

Only to find out that the exam was at 1. Holy.

Needless to say, I drove like a bat out of hell, only to arrive at the library panting and crabby. Roar.

Anyway, it's over. My last test (Crim) is on Tuesday so I hope I manage to survive that one.

And it's my birthday tomorrow, imagine that. The big two-five. I used to be a lot more optimistic about birthdays, what with the numerous goals I'd impose on myself. Ever since I threw planning out the window, though, I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm 25.

Hopefully, I'll make it to second year.

Hopefully, I'll be more self-assured.

Hopefully, I'll have fun.

So, yeah, happy birthday to me. And to all the other people who are concerned about getting older without a clue as to what to do next, listen to this song. I know John Mayer is so 2001 but give it a chance, you snobs.

John Mayer - Stop this Train

It's always a surprise to know that you are loved, and in a great way.

Last.fm Meme

2007-01-26T12:39:00.000+08:00

List the Top 25 from your Overall Artists list

Rufus Wainwright
K's Choice
Original Broadway Cast
Up Dharma Down
Sergio Mendes
Sufjan Stevens
Phoenix
Ani Difranco
Jane Monheit
Jimmy Eat World
Djavan
Maxwell
Spyro Gyra
The Cardigans
You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown
Jon Brion
Jamie Cullum
Joni Mitchell
Stevie Wonder
Cocteau Twins
John Mayer
Leona Naess
Snow Patrol
Neko Case
Aretha Franklin

What was the first song you ever heard by 6? We won't need legs to stand
What is your favorite album by 2? Cocoon Crash
What is your favorite lyric that 1 has sung? "Everything operates on the unattainables" from Hometown Waltz
How many times have you seen 11 live? I can only wish to see Djavan live
What is your favorite song by 7? Wait. This is a hard question. A tie between "Consolation Prizes" and "Too Young"
What is a good memory you have involving 20? Driving to "Heaven or Las Vegas" on repeat on the way home at 6 in the morning from helping out in the bar ops
Is there a song by 3 that makes you sad? Okay, I'm gonna go with Wicked on this one. "For Good."
What is your favorite lyric that 14 has sung? "If you want me, I'm your country/If you win me, I'm forever" from You're the Storm
What is your favorite song by 19? Ribbon in the Sky
How did you first get into 22? I don't really remember, just that when I heard "Charm Attack," I was hooked.
What was the first song you heard by 21? 83
What is your favorite song by 4? "Oo" but "Malikmata" is catching up.
What is a good memory you have involving 13? Oh man. When my brother and I were toddlers, my mom used to play "Morning Dance" and "Shaker Song" every single morning. It was a great way to wake up.
Is there a song by 23 that makes you sad? Grazed Knees
What is your favorite album of 15? Uh... that one.
What is your favorite lyric that 9 has sung? She sings standards but anyway, it's "There's a line/between love and fascination" from My Foolish Heart
What is your favorite song by 8? ARGH. A tie between "You had time" and "Dilate"
How many times have you seen 5 live? I actually almost did, but then my mom got sick and I had to rush her to the emergency room.
What is your favorite album by 12? Urban Hang Suite. Sexy all the way.
What is a good memory you have involving 25? Listening to "Daydreaming" on my discman at the park while BJ was playing basketball. It was just the perfect (and for me, RARE) blend of me-time and the person you love just being steps away.
What was the first song you heard by 18? River. So damn beautiful.
What is your favorite song by 17? Next Year, Baby
What is your favorite album by 24? I've only started getting into Neko Case so I have two albums, out of which I prefer "Fox Confessor Brings the Flood."
How many of your top 25 have you seen live? Pathetic. Just 2.

Finally

2007-01-23T09:50:00.000+08:00

I've been looking for this song since the killer Addison-Meredith hospital scene. I thought you guys would like it, too. It's a really sweet and needy song.

Kate Havnevik - So:Lo

I know it's late but i wanted to call
No everything is fine
There's nothing wrong
Just needed to talk
I hoped you would answer this time

'Cos I'm so low
Everyone's speeding
but I'm still going slow
And I'm so low
Everyone glows
I see love affairs
Everywhere
But no-one will do
But you

If we could speak
we could have a good row.
which of course I’d win
What I mean is I’m missing you now.
This freedom is wasted on me

'Cos I'm so low
Everyone's speeding
But I'm still going slow
And I'm so low
Everyone glows
I see love affairs
Everywhere
But no-one will do
But you

'Cos I'm so low
Everyone's speeding
But I'm still going slow
And I'm so low
Everyone glows
I see love affairs
Everywhere
But no-one will do
But you

Back to midterms mode.

"Bad things are happening"

2007-01-17T22:24:00.001+08:00

Law school is bringing out the worst (and arguably, also the best) in me. I think this is a different take on what Scott Turow meant by "Meeting the Enemy." Suddenly, I'm getting mad more often and throwing mental tantrums over things like 300-word group papers, from which Miko is currently saving me. It's pretty scary - getting in touch with the basest of feelings over the simplest of things.

I'm getting into the whole "Is she or is she not mad at me" vortex again. I thought I had left all those things back in high school.

This is what happens when you're turning 25 in a few days and your world is consistently shrinking and you realize that it's just the beginning.

... but I still love it. I think I'm going insane.

Whoever guesses where my last line is based on is cool in my book

2007-01-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

I found so many things to complain about today. I snapped at everyone I could think of to snap at – the server who forgot to take my order and then at another, because my chicken was undercooked.

I was cussing nonstop inside the car because I was stuck in the Ayala tunnel, alone, for two hours, with barely a millimeter of gas (I had no idea it was the last day of the Pyro Olympics so the traffic was insane. It was just out of this world). I was being bitter and thinking of the damage all those fireworks must have made on the already tepid Manila Bay water. It made me think of how my family and I spent New Year’s Eve in Boracay, how it was so windy I had to tuck my dress into my shorts because it was blowing all over the buffet table. When the fireworks started, I saw that they were all coming from a little boat that was anchored a couple of meters away from the shoreline, which made me think that it was one hell of a job to take on – to do nothing but light wicks for half an hour straight and subject oneself to all that smoke and the smell of burning (not to mention the danger of it all) just to make people ooh and aah and then, eventually, forget all about it and go back to eating cold roast beef and drinking the really bad champagne. And how, in the middle of all that, an American boy started lighting baby rockets too near the tables until a concerned father told him to either quit it or leave. The boy decided that he couldn’t handle being scolded and so, in an act of idiotic defiance, he lit a couple of baby rockets in the direction of the father who scolded him. Naturally, it incensed a number of people and the beach security came running. They put the minor in handcuffs, just to scare him, I suppose. And then I thought, Man, that is one hell of a story to tell your friends when you go back to America. The first being that how crazy is it that you can just buy cheap firecrackers anywhere and light it at any old place you want. The second being, “I got arrested and I’ve got pictures of me in handcuffs to prove it.” Way to start the New Year, kid.

So that’s what I was thinking about while I was stuck in the tunnel with a millimeter of gas.

Then I realized that I had passed a total of 5 stalled cars. All the owners were standing by their smoking hoods and on the phone. Thank god for cellular phones. Also, three vendors who were “regulars” in that tunnel were yelling at each other for I don’t know what reason. I wanted to open the window but I realized that I would be letting in a lot of smoke. And then I thought about how the vendors managed to take care of themselves – major traffic jam = more customers = smoke = sickness.

Then, of course, I realized I was being such a brat the whole day and told myself to shut up and stop complaining. I was in an airconditioned car, with relatively good music, a comfortable house to come home to, a family, and a tall glass of water.

And it was still cold.

Sticky note

2007-01-12T21:42:00.000+08:00

From her: The only way to begin a new year is with optimism. No matter how bad it is, personally or globally, we need to believe that there will be a change, and that we can work towards change. I don’t know why our minds are so powerful, but I know that they are, and that our attitude affects much more than can be proved.

Really random but I had to let it out

2007-01-09T18:28:00.000+08:00

So I have 80 pages of Nicole Krauss' "The History of Love" to go and I am so frustrated that I can't finish it because of all the schoolwork, I want to eat it.

Have you ever gotten that feeling?

With Saramago's "Blindness," which I read towards the end of 2006, I couldn't stand not reading it and I put everything aside just so I could read bits of it everyday. Bad bad move. I'm going to pay, somehow, I just know it. In any case, it was excellent and I don't regret cheating on schoolwork to read a novel that excellent.

P.S. Please guys, I really don't have time to write for The Prose Portal (although I have quite a backlog of reviews because I've been reading) so if you have a little time to spare to tell us about a book you've read, let me know. Thanks.

Tada!

2007-01-03T18:56:00.000+08:00

Take a look at your LJ friends list, then list things you want to say to fifteen different LJ friends.

DO NOT state who these people are.
DO NOT confirm or deny any comment speculation.

These aren't LJ friends.

1 - It's hard to believe that some people don't like you. To me you seem quiet (but not the boring kind of quiet) and pretty harmless. I hardly know you, of course, but still. I don't think you're capable of being tactless so yeah, I'm surprised.

2 - You can be really funny but I get so tired listening to you talk, sometimes. I don't know if that's your way of winning people over but I want to tell you that you really don't have to try so hard. Even if you make it appear that you don't care if people like you, I don't really believe you.

3 - I like you because you are unapologetic and you don't care what people think. I didn't think we'd get along this well but dammit, I feel lucky that we do. It would be a total pain if we hated each other. Imagine the things we'd say about each other.

4 - I think you're wearing yourself thin. I still can't decide whether it's immaturity or if you really are that naive. I wish you would get your act together and pick a side. I don't think we'll ever be great friends or anything but that's okay.

5 - Now you. You're immature. You're not that funny so you should really stop acting like you are. We listen because we're forced to listen, what with your insanely loud voice. Believe me, if we had a choice, we wouldn't.

6 - You're going to make someone really happy someday. I just wish you would give up these notions of "class unity" or "being diplomatic" because obviously, that's not going to happen. When will you ever realize that it's perfectly fine if not everybody liked each other? Also, you always have to make a stand. You shouldn't be fence-sitting just because both parties are friends of yours.

7 - Okay. Please help me decide whether to like you as a person or not because sometimes I think you're alright but other times... man, you're just annoying.

8 - I wish you sat closer to us coz that would be fun. But then again, that wouldn't be good for school school. Sige, I'm glad we get to eat together once in a while.

9 - I don't think we'll ever be really close. You're a cool person and all but the friendship sparks just aren't there. I don't have the energy to try and crack the connection code but that's okay. We're good.

10 - Given the circumstances, I know you think there's a little friction between us but I wish you would get over it. Nothing's going to change about our friendship. I'm still going to laugh at your randomness and you're still going to laugh about mine.

Another year-end post

2006-12-29T22:11:00.000+08:00

Chinese astrology assigns 2007 to be a lucky year for people born in the year of the dog when it comes to love. It also warns against acting impulsively because luck, though present, may not run smoothly.

I don’t know about love but I could sure use some luck this coming year.

For the year 2006, a total of two things have managed to consume my time and energy:

My thyroid condition

It wasn’t really a good year for me, health-wise. Having a thyroid condition can be tricky, given the constant monitoring and side-effects. For the past year, I have been taking blood tests so often that I think I should just drill a permanent hole through my vein. I have been exposed to radiation, I have puked my way through the first semester, and I have taken enough pills to leave a trail from my house to Rockwell a la Hansel and Gretel. From 115 pounds, I went up to a marvelous 130 and then deflated back to miserable old 115 by the time the first semester ended. I never thought I would have to grapple with health with so much apprehension. I mean, c’mon now. I’m young and supposedly at the prime of my youth. Instead, I have all these pills to take in the morning, during the day, and before I go to bed. Mabuti if they’re fun pills but, alas, they cause migraines, nausea and crazy bouts of mood swings.

I should be thankful, though. At least I got back just in time. At least it’s being treated. At least they were able to dissolve the golf ball I had on my neck last year. At least my hands don’t shake anymore. At least my pulse rate is normal. At least I can afford to complain about it. The one thing I can do to help stabilize my condition is not to get my stress levels up. Everything could have been so much worse. I could have still been in the States and have had no idea that the nightly-breaking-out-in-hives was much more serious than it let on.

Still, it would be nice not to be a regular sight in Makati Med. It would be nice not to have to anticipate every side-effect by popping a pill. Hopefully my TSH levels will be stable this year and the doctor won’t have to keep adjusting my medication dosage so much. Hopefully my body starts to behave and get my weight up to 130 again, pleasepleaseplease.

Law School

This was my biggest surprise. I had no idea I would be taking the entrance exam when I got back from the States. I had no idea I would pass it and I had absolutely no idea I would end up loving it. Which doesn’t mean to say, of course, that I’m having a breeze - God, no. The first semester was absolute chaos. I wasn’t used to recitation and I spent quite a lot of my recit rounds staring in complete shock at my professors thinking “Oh my god, can I please just write my answer down for you?” Then, of course, the written exams would come and I would spend a lot of time in complete shock as well. What the fuck was this? A marries B. B dies. A marries C and gives birth to a baby a month later. Is the baby legitimate, illegitimate or legitimated? Oh, and by the way? C is psychologically incapacitated. Is their marriage void or voidable?

Oh my god.

And then, of course, I got my grades and found out I failed my favorite subject. Talaga naman.

In any case, I love it. I’m hanging by a frayed-ass thread but hopefully I make it (Legal muse, I invoke thee!). Weirdly enough, I enjoy the feeling that, after reading books/cases in such close proximity and concentration, it takes a while for my eyes to adjust when I glance up to look at someone/something. It can’t be good for my eyes, of course, but whatever. I didn’t think I had that much capacity for focus so it’s refreshing. I don’t know if I’m any better this semester but so far I’ve been trying to just get on with it with as much grace and determination as I can muster. Also, I’ve met a number of great people and made (and lost) a fair amount of friends. A little drama here and there but on the whole, I don’t think I should regret the decisions I’ve made so far.

Of course, I don’t like the fact that I hardly have any time to cultivate relationships. By relationships, I mean those with my friends and family. I’m not going to deny that, what with the isolation that law school requires, I tend to curl up into a lonely little (okay, fine, not so little) ball of nerves. I should change that, this year.

I know I’m not going to die if I ever lose this chance at law school but honestly, I don’t have an inkling as to what I’m going to do next, if ever. Zero. I’m banking on prayers and myself to make it past second semester and into the second year.

2005 was my year of motion and taught me that enough love will give you unbelievable strength and confidence.

2006 is the year that taught me that plans don’t always work out; it has taught me how to deal with change.

2007, show me what you’ve got.

Next year, baby

2006-12-28T20:34:00.000+08:00

So my family and I are off to the beach again, for the fourth consecutive year. What's in store for 2007?

1. My brother's going to graduate and become a barrister. So, god willing, should the school still want me next year, I'm going to be really and truly helping my brother at the next bar operations.

2. Well, hopefully I get to be a second year law student. To this day, I cannot explain how I found myself here. I don't think any explanations are necessary - why should it matter, when the important thing is that I love it.

Here's to 2007! May everyone be healthier, happier and a helluva lot wiser. As for my personal goals:

1. Work on getting those 15 pounds back, dammit.
2. Conquer the second semester.
3. Write more.
4. Live more.
5. Pray more.

For the hopeless romantics, I found the perfect year-ender song for you. Download it.

Jamie Cullum - Next Year, Baby

Jon Brion - Over Our Heads

2006-12-03T08:56:00.000+08:00

So what you're never understood
Big deal you're doomed to die
Oh nothing ever lasts
It all gets torn to shreds
If something's everlasting
It's over our heads

Think your troubles are so serious
Well one day you'll be so long gone
Cos nothing ever lasts
It all gets torn to shreds
If something's everlasting

Download

Again, it's time to try defying gravity.

2006-11-10T08:20:00.000+08:00

After what seems to have been the longest four days of my life, I have been given another chance at law school. The past days taught me lessons in humility, patience, faith, friendship and blind hope. Next semester is going to require ten and a half of me and as much as it seems near impossible, I am going to push myself to do it.

Thank you Richelle for coming over with a candy bar and for hugging me, nevermind the fact that I was filthy from being unbathed and depressed. I never thought anyone would do that for me. Hugging me in that condition, that is.

Thank you to Jill, Lauren and Camille who were my mute cheerleaders. They just listened and stood there while I bitched and stared into space at intervals. They took me to Timezone (a place I had never been to before), made me shoot hoops, play Super Trivia! and take Neoprints ... basically just distracted me the hell away from thinking about school. Golden.

Thank you to BJ because he did everything he could as well.

My parents have been wonderful. Although they couldn't kill me all the way from Turkey, they sent me continuous messages saying that it was okay and that they still loved me. And that they still bought me clothes despite the fact that I almost got kicked out. AGAIN. Man, it's amazing how my life has taken on the recurrent theme of getting kicked out and departures.

Finally, my brother. I didn't think he cared so much but last night, when everything was fairly over, he took me to the seediest kebab place at 12:30 in the morning and didn't complain much when I begged if we could just eat it at home because I might need a bathroom. We finished a pint of ice cream each. Boy, it feels good to be eating again.

I have no regrets for the past semester because even if I barely made it, I know I worked to the moon and back and now ... now I have to triple that. Or quadruple that. I'm going to make it if it kills me. I think that was the problem, actually. I held myself back from killing myself over law school, which I think is the essential element of making it. I thought, "Oh hey, I'm 24, I'm not going to kill myself over school." Ayan tuloy, the idea of losing law school almost killed me.

I still have a sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach but, hey, deep breath.

Time to bring out my power song yet again. You can do this, Mikaela.

Protect and enforce, people. Pardon the puffy eyes, I must have cried over a bad recit.

On the cutest girl in the room

2006-11-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

Camus: If I were a guy, I wouldn't go for the cutest girl in class. I would go for the most interesting girl, the smart girl, the witty girl.

Me: Same here. But that's the thing. We're not guys.

Camus: Hmm. Yeah.

Dum dee dum dum

2006-11-05T09:21:00.000+08:00

I foresee two whole days of biting my nails and tearing my hair out.

I should turn my cellphone off tomorrow, or stay out the whole day doing something, anything to get my mind off the million dollar question: Am I going to be allowed to enroll for next semester?

Dammit. My hands are cold and I don't have a Plan B.

Please please pray that I pass.

Put on a happy face

2006-11-03T16:24:00.000+08:00

My parents just left for Turkey and they're going to be gone for two whole weeks. It's pretty nerve-wracking, considering the fact that grades will be released on the 6th and I have absolutely no idea if I'm going to make it to the second semester. As it is the semestral break, however, I am valiantly trying to push such thoughts out of my head. Maybe it's a good thing that my parents will be away when I get my grades ... yeah, it's probably a good thing. We shall see.

To your left, ladies and gentlemen, you will see a picture of what my life was like for 5 months. Of course, I didn't have the time to coordinate outfits all the time (this was taken on a day where I actually cared to match) but basically, I spent 5 months panicking about how to make it through recitation. And quizzes. And midterms. And finals. That brick post holds quite a lot of thoughts because we've all hit our heads against it at one time or another.

I wanted to write a whole what-I-learned-in-my-first-semester entry but then now I think it would be better to just make fun of myself because bad thoughts are going to get me nowhere at this point.

It's strange, for instance, how I've developed an aversion to electric fans. When my brother was the only law student at home, I would get so annoyed because when I'd turn on the fan he'd get so mad at me. "My cases, my cases!" I DID NOT understand it then and, well, guess who's sweating buckets now. I don't care if I melt, dammit, THE CASES ARE SACRED AND SHOULD NOT BE MOVED. If my mother insists on turning the fans on I would be on my feet fluttering around for something to weigh the piles down - remote control, cellphone ... anything. It's crazy.

Okay I'm gonna go read now. Finally.

Different kinds of lonely

2006-09-15T08:05:00.000+08:00

"Writing a thesis is a lonely obsessive activity. You live inside your head, nowhere else. University libraries are like madhouses, full of people pursuing wraiths, hunches, obsessions. The person with whom you spend most of your time is the person you're writing about." - from Hallucinating Foucault (Patricia Duncker)

That quote is from one of my earliest entries, when I was writing my thesis (duh). I didn't feel it then but boy, do I feel it now. Law School is so many different kinds of lonely. It's the agonizing kind of lonely because technically, you're with scores of other people but each of you is caught up in your own sense of dealing with mediocrity, perfection and absurd (mostly) stories about strangers. Talking about things other than recits and provisions has turned into such a luxury that every time you catch yourself in one of those conversations, you immediately feel guilty.

It's the deafening kind of lonely when you go home and realize that there's just no time to catch up with anyone, not even your family because there are, literally, 670 cases to comb through for one subject and final examinations are in a month.

It's the paranoid kind of lonely, especially when you didn't get to answer a certain question very well. You spend the whole ride home wondering if you managed to scrape by with a 76. And then you compare it with your other recits and in between signalling for turns and turning on your headlights, you are mentally computing for your average.

It's the heartbreaking kind of lonely when, at the end of the day, you just want somebody to drive you home. Somebody who cares. Somebody who will say "Let's talk about something else," instead of "You kind of missed this part of the codal. I really don't know if you passed." (You know, sometimes I just want to be lied to)

I enjoy it, I do. It's just exhausting and so fucking lonely.

Everything's okay

2006-07-28T20:08:00.000+08:00

... but no matter how busy I am, no matter how busy I want to be, there's just no escaping the fact that at the end of the day, I walk to my car all alone.

I miss.

Strange Condition

2006-06-14T22:36:00.000+08:00

While I was driving home tonight, I had the strongest urge to drive straight into a ten-wheeler.

Or crash into walls.

Headlights were unusually bright and it felt like something else was controlling my car.

And I'm not even suicidal.

Nor am I feeling anything of the extreme sort.

It was a very calm (though strong) inclination towards death.

That's never happened to me before.

You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea

2006-05-30T16:40:00.000+08:00

Today, I miss you.

But probably for all the wrong reasons.

I don't know which part's important - the missing you, or the reasons for it.

Did you get older doing nothing today?

2006-05-27T19:03:00.001+08:00

For the past two weeks, I've been dreaming of the most random things. Everyday. Everyday. Everyday. It's gotta stop!! From a little boy who chooses to live in Mcdonald's to Ricky Reyes wanting to put black satin eyeshadow on me (to be more accurate, black sateen)... it's too much. It has actually gotten to the point that I include "Please, God. No more dreams," in my evening prayers. I mean, aside from having to contend with the tiring side effects of hypothyroidism, I really think my subconscious is being inconsiderate.

Come on, now.

I feel so violated - like all these characters are prying my head open with a crowbar to get in every night. Please stop.

Anyway, here's a prize. From Phoenix's new album "It's Never Been Like that," my favorite track: Consolation Prizes

I feel like writing about random memories

2006-05-14T21:15:00.000+08:00

Here’s one.

At my last job as a legal secretary, the only guy at work (aside from the lawyer we all worked for) wouldn’t stop hitting on me. He was a big guy - over six feet tall, with curly hair and looked like a Persian Pete Sampras. Apart from the fact that I had a boyfriend, he was completely not my type and he smelled terrible. I swear, that boy could stink up a whole room like nobody’s business. I never understood how he’d come sauntering in at 10 in the morning looking like he had just taken a shower and still smell like week-old garbage.

He would ask me out everyday. To lunch, to a ten-minute break, to coffee, to a movie, every single day. Even if he knew I had a boyfriend, he wouldn’t stop. First of all, I’m sure he didn’t think I was anything special because he is a giant dork and would date anything that said yes. For instance, our office was right across “The Weather Channel” and I’ve heard him ask one of the girls what she thought the weather was going to be like that day. When the girl brushed him off, he said “What about my hug?” I’ve told him that he was exactly like Ron Burgundy in “The Anchorman,” to which he replied, “Sorry, I don’t watch trash.” Granted, he’s a pretty smart guy and very passionate about politics and the environment. He’s penned several political and environmental protests and bills that I found online (I checked because I thought he was lying). I remember when he stormed into the office telling me about the sorry state of air pollution and how he was going to write the senator.

“Aren’t you going to do something about it, Nina?”

“Uh … no? What can I do?”

“Well, you can go to – lists websites – and sign the various petitions. Will you do that, at least?”

I got into a fight with him once (one of our several) because he asked me, so fucking condescendingly, if I knew what a certain word meant. I said yes. He said, “Well do you know what the word means in this context?” Feeling like the slighted minority, that question set me off because he makes up words all the time and the lawyer and I used to laugh at him for it. Needless to say, he was pretty shocked that I had that much to say about my grasp of context and vocabulary and was forced to squeak out an apology. The next day, he asked me out.

When the latest Batman movie came out, he wouldn’t stop bugging me to watch it. Even after I had said “no” countless times, he would find a way to bring it into the conversation:

“So, have you seen Batman yet?”

“Nope”

“God. What kind of boyfriend do you have, not taking you to see Batman?!”

“Relax! Everything’s going to be okay. Just take a deep breath.”

Don’t get me wrong, we were friends. I mean, I never took any of his declarations seriously and even then, he was pretty entertaining (when you forgot about the smell). Everybody in the office was teasing us, so much so that the lawyer stuck the both of us in one office. That made sense because both of us were writing the demand letters but it didn’t stop them from giving me a hard time about it. Amber would sometimes waltz into the room, spray cologne and leave right after. That was hilarious. Every time I would eat something he would grab the packet out of my hands and read the nutritional content part out to me, including my Monster energy drink.

“Hmm… looks like this one is pretty healthy. I didn’t know that.”

Not that I didn’t have my share of “moments.” Once, my computer keyboard froze and I was trying to figure out how to fix it. I went under the desk to try and disconnect it and I must have been in there a long time because he came back from lunch, saw my legs sticking out, peeked under the table and found me almost crying from the effort.

Oh, and his mother would call him up from time to time and Amber wouldn’t stop teasing him about it, especially when he would come in with neatly packed lunches that his mother made. He was kind of a spoiled, rich Beverly Hills kid who drove a Passat and who lived in one of those fancy apartments (Amber told me) and he’d get all dressed up for work … oh, he was such a character. All of them were and I miss them, sometimes. Amber (who looked a lot like Shanna Moakler) used to be so amazed that I could tuck in so much food and not gain a pound. She’d go out for McDonald’s and I’d ask her to get me 6 boxes of the 6-piece nuggets (coz Tuesday’s, they only cost a dollar. So that would be six dollars for 30 nuggets! Of course, don’t convert it to pesos) and a cheeseburger. She would look at me all awestruck and finally say, “FUCK YOU! You can eat all that and stay skinny!” and then slam the door behind her.

A smile. Thank God for that.

Hay nako

2006-05-11T18:38:00.000+08:00

So why does it come as such a shock
To know you really have no one
Only a river of changing faces
Looking for an ocean
They trickle through your leaky plans
Another dream over the dam
And you're lying in some room
Feeling like your right to be human
Is going over too
Well some are going to knock you
And some'll try to clock you
You know it's really hard
To talk sense to you
Trouble child
Breaking like the waves at Malibu
- Joni Mitchell "Trouble Child"

It’s tiring rin pala just to witness an ongoing issue, even if you’re not directly involved. My brother wanting to move out for senior year has my mother losing sleep and their screaming matches that I can’t seem to walk away from have, in turn, taken away my appetite and any inclination towards sleep. It’s not even the idea of moving out that’s causing the problem; it’s that they can’t decide on a proper place for him. Also, the fact that they are exactly alike (temper, stress-levels) is not helping at all. So, ladies and gentlemen, we have:

a) a mother empty-nesting and

b) a son that can't be told

Drama drama drama. Why must you all be in one place at the same time? I can’t even mope properly.

Speaking of which…

When BJ and I were younger, we used to email each other as friends when we’d get into ugly fights. The objective was to avoid skirting around the issue and just let everything out, even if it hurt. Those letters helped a lot and I wish I had the guts to make one again. Or maybe I'll just ask him outright.

Oh Joni, I really wish I had a river I could skate away on.

PS. I would be a little wordier but damn, I've been too intent on downloading all of Veronica Mars' second season. I'm actually glad the show ended because now I can breathe a little easier. As it is, I spend most of the day watching my torrents download.

Recap

2006-04-15T13:20:00.000+08:00

I just realized how lazy I was when I found myself watching a pencil that was within arm's reach, rolling back and forth dangerously close to the table's edge, and I just let it drop. How tempting to sometimes deal with life that way too. Tempting to detach yourself from a difficult situation and just watch yourself go through the motions without having to move a muscle. Of course, that wouldn't be much of a life but oh, just sometimes...

I really have to do something about my stomach. It's not cute anymore and, considering that I'm going to the beach in two weeks ... it's pretty unsightly. I keep restraining myself from getting on the treadmill because I still can't exercise till I get another blood test. It's not that I want to compete with all the hotsie patootsies that will be frolicking on the sand, I just want to fit into bottoms that won't have my ab spilling over the waistband.

As you can see, I have too much time on my hands.

The past couple of weeks haven't been easy. I have had to deal with a severe reality check with someone I love dearly. I don't think it's anyone's fault, really. It's not so much a giving up but accepting. All in all, it's just life and its many lessons at work. I don't really want to get into an epiphany or a discussion about it. There aren't too many days a person can spend moping and crying and asking why why why (Not that I haven't been doing my fair share of it. I did delete my Friendster account in a fit of rage. Like that's going to do anything. Like that's the perfect gesture of fuckyouworld. Pathetic!). It just is. However, even though there are bigger things in life than our situation, we are still our number one prayer. Hopefully we work out, both individually and together. Hopefully hopefully. God knows there isn't anyone else I want to be with right now.

And oh. I'm going to law school.

So that's what's new-ish. What about you guys?

Note to self

2006-03-23T20:47:00.000+08:00

I have got to stop all this planning. It's like a tic I can't suppress and did it do me any good the past few years? No. I don't regret anything but I do know that any previous plans blew up in my face and therefore, I am resolved to just live one day at a time, this time.

I gotta surprise myself more.

Hyperthyroid Update

2006-03-11T17:27:00.000+08:00

Three weeks after the RAI treatment, the lump on my neck is 3/4 gone. This means that I can now have my picture taken without covering my neck with menus, etc. This also means that I can now eat as much cassava cake and shellfish as I want. It's a great feeling to wake up in the morning and not feel like tipping over. From a pulse rate of 120, I am finally down to an 80, improving my stamina immensely. I still can't participate in strenuous activities (straight out of the doctor's mouth) but the mere fact that I can go up the stairs without panting is a feat, even for me.

There are still a number of things to work on, however. For instance, even if I am finally gaining weight, the results are mostly seen in my stomach and I go around looking three months pregnant. I still have frequent hand tremors and sweat much quicker than I used to, and I still have to use disposable spoons and forks till the 20th. Also, the radiation has affected my cycle and it seems to have decided on skipping March entirely. This is frustrating because the extended PMS not only means longer periods of feeling weepy and irritable, but a longer fucked-up subconscious as well. I don't understand it but I always get the most vivid and the most bizarre dreams right before my period. To date, I have dreamt of random surprising boys, including Ace Young, falling in love with me. It's frustrating.

In any case, I'm feeling much better and am very grateful for science and technology.

P.S. I'm thinking of putting up a book-review blog so are any of you interested? Nothing major, no domains or anything, just a bunch of people who have more time than they know what to do with.

P.P.S. I finally remembered to buy Up dharma Down's cd and have been listening repeatedly to "Oo" and "Pag-Agos." "Oo" reminds me too much of grade school and high school. Malas mo, ikaw ang natipuhan ko...

Wala. Not a proper post

2006-03-04T14:26:00.000+08:00

But for now, it's the Fridaaaaaay Fiveeeeee!

1. Who was your favorite all time teacher(s)?
Paul Go and Max Pulan

2. What did they teach?
Fiction, Poetry, Literary Criticism 1 and 2, Phil. Lit in English, Great Books

3. What is your best memory from that class?

From Paul Go:
We were having presentations on songs with figurative language that day and since my group was done (I sang Artificial Joy Club's "Sick and Beautiful" with David Abaya on guitars haha) I was messing around with Cha making fun of the other groups. It was pretty mean, I know but we were freshmen and we thought Ateneo owed it to us to have fun (pfft). Anyway, I didn't realize Sir Go was right behind me and, with clenched teeth, he whispered: Will you shut the fuck up?!!? I can't hear a fucking thing!!!! It's not my BEST memory but that should last me for the rest of my life.

From Max Pulan:
Lit Crit 1&2 were pretty significant to me in more ways than one. I had just transferred into a different block (long story) so I was all the way in the back of the room with not a peep. It was where I made friends with Camille, Marts, EJ, Cris, Cands and eventually, The Max Pulan Himself. One of the memories that stand out though, is the one of all of us taking the finals. OMG. Loooong and excruciating, but exhilarating when you could answer even one of the questions. Galing.

4. Did you ever have a crush on a teacher and if so who?
No. Never.

5. What is the craziest/wildest/weirdest thing you (or someone you know) ever did at school?
I'm pretty much a wholesome student. I just remember being caught for looking at the porn tabloids in the fourth grade, making a teacher cry and being caught playing pusoy dos in first high school, repeatedly being told to keep quiet and the occasional teacher sending me out.

***
Last night my parents and I watched the piano masters at CCP. It was a great experience seeing the Philippine Philharmonic Orchestra playing with the San Miguel Orchestra, along with eleven pianists. Whoa whoa whoa. And tonight, for mom's birthday, we're watching the SMC Orchestra again, in Podium this time. You guys check it out if you're interested. 4:30-6 pm.

Stir Crazy

2006-01-14T12:21:00.000+08:00

My RAI procedure is going to be on February 20 and I have mixed feelings about it. I don't really enjoy the thought of being in the most isolated part of the hospital with no visitors and no McDonald's for four days, at least. However, as I was looking the procedure up online, I found a somewhat reassuring statement from one of the top thyroid information websites:

"Your isolation in the hospital will be the perfect time to catch up on reading, as well as talking to family and friends on the telephone! You cannot communicate with a nurse in person but you can ask her for assistance by telephone at anytime."

Well, I just found the huge notebook I've been putting aside for a journal when I was cleaning my room so I guess February's as good a time as any to crack its spine. Besides, everybody needs alone time and even if I didn't envision mine happening at a hospital, it's bound to do me some good.

This is why I'm trying to get out more this January, aside from it being my birthday month. After the hospital stay, I'm going to have to stay home for two more weeks so you can imagine the risk of my going absolutely, over-the-top, stir-crazy.

I'm just glad I'm going to get rid of the condition - no more hand tremors, not to mention unnecessary fatigue and moodswings. I am also starting to gain weight, so I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to my collarbone by the time school starts.

* * *

A strange thing happened to me a few days ago. I had just come from my doctor when this guy came up to me like we were friends or something. Now, I recognized him from school but the degree of just how chummy we were hadn't registered at all. However, his over-all friendliness just got to me and before I knew it, I was slapping him on the back and asking him how he was, etc.After a few jokes and his business card, I walked away.

And realized that we have never had a SINGLE conversation in my ENTIRE stay in school. What the hell. Being in sales, he had all the right to come up to me and act friendly but as for me, it was so humiliating. I don't remember anything about him at all, not even if we were classmates.

So there we have it. Belated awkward moment 2006 episode one.

In other news, I have a crush on a faun.

Name that tune

2006-01-09T21:59:00.000+08:00

I was looking for a certain Burt Bacharach album and came across "Painted from Memory: Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach." Curious, I downloaded it and discovered this beautiful beautiful song. It's called "The Sweetest Punch."

Speaking of songs, my family (except me) launched into a big argument about the song "Alone Again, Naturally." My dad and brother insisted that The Beatles had a version, whereas my mother adamantly refused.

"The Beatles will never sing anything so baduy! No no no."
"Eh vinivideoke ko yan eh!" (My dad)
"Basta no. That's Gilbert O' Sullivan and it's one of the worst songs. Ever."

If we weren't on the beach, I'm sure it would have escalated into an ugly fight.

Naturally, my mother won.

Of space-shipped bikini bottoms

2006-01-06T11:20:00.000+08:00

My first bad decision for 2006 was buying an overpriced, ridiculous Peter Max-ish bikini. I don't know what the hell came over me but I guess I'm on the right track because, on the glorified "How to buy the Right Bikini" signboard, my body frame (thin-all-over) needs (yes, NEEDS) bold prints.

Talaga naman. Advertising really makes chumps out of everyone.

Mika the chapstick-ed lady

2006-01-04T14:57:00.000+08:00

I was looking through our China pictures and came across something hilarious.

The ultimate submission.

This is what happens when your mother chases you around with a hairbrush. She also manages to command you to stay still while she slathers lip balm on.

My mom the commander.

Incidentally, this picture was taken in the Forbidden City.

Beach bound

2005-12-28T20:19:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it's almost 2006! And I also can't believe that the last Boracay trip was for New Year's 2005. I know it's cliche but "I can't believe where the time went" is so damn apt.

Let's see if we can relive this picture for this year, only this time, I'll have a nasty lump on my neck. Damn you thyroid.

So yeah. We leave tomorrow and won't be back till the 2nd. Happy New Year, guys! Let's hope and pray 2006 will have less pain but not necessarily less personal challenges.

I'm almost 24? Good god.

So this is Christmas

2005-12-15T22:49:00.000+08:00

My friends, in between conquering the world and being all around grown-ups, have found the time to humor the be-goitered bum and have dinner. They gave me "Son of a Witch" for Christmas and I was so touched that they bothered to look for that book because I couldn't find it anywhere else. I have nothing but love for the unlikeliest trio around!

Another resolution

2005-12-13T18:24:00.000+08:00

What I have to ram in my head is that no friend, however willing, will really be able to help me. I don't like how this blog is turning out so I might delete it soon. I used to like this space a lot but now it's turned like all the other spaces I've had. One big sob story.

I'm back in square one and I feel just as lost as ever.

However, I promise that I will start to take care of myself and I will not depend on my boyfriend to do it because I will only be disappointed. ~~Nobody's ready to take me on.~~ Nobody is responsible for me but me. I know that.

I feel a big change coming.

PMS. Gotta love it. But I still feel a big change coming. Thank you Ins

Mrs. Robinsons

2005-12-11T10:43:00.000+08:00

While waiting for "In her shoes" to start:

Old lady 1: Didn't we see you eating in Oliver's?
Me: Yes tita
Old lady 2: Ok dito noh, you can watch alone
Me: Actually it's my first time so I'm so glad you're here coz I was getting scared
Old lady 1: Don't worry hija, we will protect you!

Both of them must have been close to seventy years old and the thought of them wanting to protect me made my whole day.

I've smelled the hospital hallways

2005-12-07T21:52:00.000+08:00

The first concrete plan for January is to have myself admitted to the hospital for an RAI procedure. For three to four days, I must be isolated because I will be, get this, emitting radiation. Nobody is allowed to visit me and the nurses are to stay a specific distance away for health purposes. The thought of people unable to stay in the same room with me makes me feel powerful, in a way. In fact, I feel like a mutant member of the X-Men.It's going to be such a trip and I am scared and curious about what's going to happen.

I wonder if I'm allowed a cellphone. For all I know, the radiation could make me susceptible to metallic objects scraping across the floor and sticking to my body.

* * *

On our way to the hospital to schedule an ultrasound, a man suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He asked for money while proceeding to raise the cuff of his pants to reveal a rough and gangrened leg. His voice was so gruff, that my mom and I instinctively started walking faster. It was an unusually deserted alley and even though it was broad daylight, one can't be too sure nowadays. He started to follow us, all the while being softly threatening and insistent.

Still, I wonder if we should have helped him.

Resolutions, revisited and revised

2005-12-03T20:49:00.000+08:00

I think I got what I wanted out of 2005, in one way or another. I told myself 2005 will be my year of motion - of larger steps and going concretely past intentions.

Last year I said I would: have a goal for each day and fulfill it
I ended up: not doing it. I did, however, set aside Saturday mornings for folding my clothes. BJ was at work from 7-11 am so I put that time to good (most of the time) use. Mostly, I just had breakfast with Anna, watching her cook things and eating them.

Last year I said I would: take a shower after breakfast, no matter what.
I ended up: doing it before breakfast. Only because I had work. On weekends, I sat around in my pajamas and sometimes high-tailed it to the shower ten minutes to eleven, so BJ wouldn't think I was being lazy. I'd come out to meet him all fresh and showered. This, however, did not happen as often as he wanted.

Last year I said I would: be more affectionate and make the special people feel that they are.
I ended up: following it to a T. 2005 was a perfect year for demonstrating what I really felt, be it crying while missing my family or hugging not-so-random people.

Last year I said I would: be braver.
I ended up: being braver than I ever thought possible. My threshold for emotional pain has widened and my ability to accept has strengthened. With regard to writing, I haven't done shit. I'm starting to actively read poetry, though, a thing that has terrified/intimidated me for so long.

Last year I said I would: try not to be too dramatic.
I ended up: surprising myself. I would usually be crumpled in a heap pitying myself when something would go wrong, but this time, I e v e n t u a l l y learned how to put my chin up and ACCEPT THAT LIFE IS WHAT IT REALLY IS. If it's unfair, then accept it. Some people call it being cynical and since I got back, I've had a number of people calling me that but hey, whatever helps me cope. I will never be completely ready for whatever comes next but I have already braced myself for the worst.

Last year I said I would: put more effort into myself.
I ended up: doing just that. I also gained the ten pounds I wanted.

Last year I said I would: make a stand.
I ended up: not regretting my decision. I'm not the weakling other people take me for (including me).

Last year I said I would: trust more people.
I ended up: I'm undecided about this. I don't think anything happened that called for my trust.

Last year I said I would: never settle for anything less than I deserved.
I ended up: consuming more time than I wanted, but at the same time more satisfied than I had hoped.

Last year I said I would: keep my resolutions.
I ended up: being very very proud of myself.

I don't think I will get even half of what I have (or have not) accomplished for 2005. For once in my life, I thought I had given myself an infallible plan that I went step by step through. However, that plan didn't leave any room for change and, once again, I am back where I actually started.

Goddammit. What do I do now?

1. Be even braver and stronger
2. Assure myself that I WILL BE OKAY if whatever or whoever I am counting on fails.
3. Pray more and appreciate what I already have.

After all, in the words of Death Cab for Cutie,

Out on the street
Are so many possibilities
To not be alone

... Also, gain ten more pounds and improve my horrendous posture!!!

2005-11-25T17:44:00.000+08:00

I'd really like to update, but I don't know what to say.

What should I tell you?

Long distance

2005-11-16T14:12:00.000+08:00

The thing with long distance relationships is that even if you make up after fighting (although the last fight left me so physically drained, I didn't think it was possible to be so resigned), you aren't *really* made up. There is no apology hug. There is no make up kiss. All you have are words that you can't touch and tones that you can't see. Each day you feel triumphant like "Yay, we made it through one more day." At the same time, though, each day you are resigned to the fact that you cannot possibly blame him if he suddenly gives up.

God, I really thought we had broken up this time :(

2005-11-15T09:21:00.000+08:00

My cellphone cannot possibly be farther away from me than it is now. I don't want to hear it not beep. I don't want to have to acknowledge my not being acknowledged.

Christmas List

2005-11-09T21:08:00.000+08:00

1. A 512 mb SD card
2. Gray Indranika shoes by Stella McCartney for Adidas
3. This particular jacket by Stella McCartney for Adidas
4. More white and black XS perfect tank tops from Old Navy
5. Son of a Witch by Gregory Maguire
6. The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism

Old School

2005-10-24T22:11:00.000+08:00

Thanks to The Wayback Machine, I found several of my old layouts (as far back as 2001!!), as well as this collage. Hahaha. It's amazing. I really wish altern.org didn't just up and leave. I had a lot of entries there that I could have saved.

Wazzapening.

2005-10-23T11:49:00.000+08:00

I woke up at 5 am today with my upper lip swollen from here to eternity. I look like a cross between a horribly morphed Angelina Jolie and a Furby. This has happened several times in the States and I still can't figure out what causes it. MSG? A bug? A resurfacing of my skin asthma? Anyway, these days, I've been eating brown rice, taking alfalfa supplements and a handful of other vitamin pills that could solve this allergy-dilemma. Hopefully they work.

11-20 Random things

2005-10-01T12:46:00.000+08:00

11. A couple of months ago, Martin and I took the MRT to Gateway to try Taco Bell. After discovering that they serve lettuce and nothing else, we decided to leave and, as we were running towards an open train, I accidentally kicked his slipper out of his foot. As luck would have it, the slipper chose to tumble down the narrow gap between the train tracks and the platform. Martin had to travel from Cubao to Makati absolutely flabbergasted (there's no other word for his expression) and shaking with laughter (my mouth was literally open the whole way back). Anyway:

a) We had to force one of the security guards to radio the Cubao station and have him fish out Martin's slipper.
b) Martin had to go back to the Cubao station wearing my slippers
c) I had to wait at the Makati station with one too-big slipper, amidst a crowd of people asking what was going on.

Priceless.

12. I just found out that I have thyromegaly. This means that I'm going to have to be corrected for goiter and that I really am going to have to eat fish (Dammit) this time. On top of that, I have to take steroids three times a day for an unknown allergic reaction that keeps me from sleeping at night. In the derma's own words, "It's not serious, just really annoying."

13. I remember when Ana and I were laughing with Clara so much that she puked all over me. I had her over my arm and when she puked, I ran outside laughing to show BJ and his friends. Then she puked all over me again! I was soaked with baby vomit and I thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I miss you Clara! (Here she is eating lumpia)

14. I listened to "What do you with a B.A. in English" from Avenue Q more than twenty times today. My mom loves it. "Let's listen to the sucks sucks sucks song again!"

15. I don't think anyone will understand how happy I was to hear S Club 7's "Sugar Rush" on one of my old cds. It's so bad I love it.

16. In case you haven't noticed, I am rushing this survey like anything.

17. I'm currently reading Iris Murdoch's "A Fair and Honorable Defeat," and I'm really enjoying "eavesdropping" on all those conversations!

18. Twenty minutes ago, I ran over my big toe with the computer chair. It's still bleeding (my toe, not the chair)

19. When I got home from the States, I was so excited to hook the Vonage router up so I could call BJ right away. So excited, in fact, that it EXPLODED in my face because I plugged it into a 220 volt-plug. You should have seen me, I was sobbing like it was the end of the world.

20. I went to Wendy's today and was shocked that the Frosty is now 39 pesos?!?! Mahal!

2005-09-28T15:09:00.000+08:00

20 Random things. Tagged on livejournal.

1. On the last leg of my stay, I danced "Witchcraft" with the baby everyday. It was from the cd that JP gave us when we watched that jazz band in San Diego. I really liked that semi-ritual with Clara - dipping, twirling and hearing her laugh.

2. On that note, I think I want to get married and have a baby already! I can't believe it, either. I've been discussing it with a couple of girls my age and they all agree. It doesn't mean to say that we have no individual ambition anymore or anything. It's just... our maternal hormones are kicking in! Unbelievable.

3. I have to re-learn our house. Being away for seven months is no joke and, considering that we seem to have accumulated a whole lot more furniture, walking in the dark requires a renewed sense of flexibility and alertness. Our dining room has two new kamagong tables and my mother has rightly christened it "The Mess Hall."

4. I did not have time to cry or mope on the flight back to Manila, and I owe it all to Vicks Nyquil. For 13 hours, I was splayed out on the three seats, passed out, only waking up when the reheated bland food was on my tray.

5. The guy I used to work with is such a character. He'd go into the office raving mad, slam his hands on the desk and say things like, "Guess what? Mercury in the air has gone up by 7% Do you know what that means? Dammit!" I admire his passion but I'm really just wondering how he sleeps at night, what with all the things in his head.

6. Now that I'm home, it's frustrating to have to, again, deal with little details that are important to my mother such as: how my hair looks, why I am going out without earrings, why I haven't showered yet when it's almost time to have lunch and lastly, pwede ba can I fix my room ang kalat kalat. I love her to death and she's great but I really don't want to be sucked into her micro world again.

7. I miss my boyfriend and his family. It's so much more difficult leaving a whole set of wonderful people that I have cultivated individual relationships with, than just one person (who means the world to me). I felt like I really had a place in that household and I feel lucky to have them in my life.

8. At the risk of sounding conceited, I am so proud of myself for being able to do what I did. I took a stand, did something about it, cried along the way, cried leaving it, but through all of that, I achieved something important and life-defining. Galing. I wonder if I can ever muster up enough courage to do that again. I wonder if I will be given another opportunity to do that again, too.

9. I really really wish I knew how to dance. Or at least have the confidence enough to still do it even if I look like a fool. It seems really fun and damn it, all the other kids can do it, why can't I?

10. I really really really miss my boyfriend. I was so happy when I was with him and doing my own thing. I never really think about happiness in general but I was with BJ and making my own decisions, my dad asked me if I was happy and I said yes, and I thought to myself, "Wow, I really am happy."

Ok I'll do the rest next time.

The Graduate

2005-08-21T11:36:00.000+08:00

For posterity's sake. I look like a baklita ghoul. I remember the day these pictures were taken - I felt so powerless. The photographer wouldn't listen to anything I said and everything I suggested was shot down so badly I was left open-mouthed. So, against my will, I have been immortalized with eyeliner, eyebrow pencil and a stupid angle.

2005-07-25T12:29:00.000+08:00

Feeling very positive.

I just thought I should take note (literally) of this momentous phase.

Work tomorrow.

Gratitude

2005-07-02T22:29:00.000+08:00

I have never anticipated weekends with as much fervor as I do now. When I was in Manila, days melted into each other and I never knew what day it was. Now, there's a jarring difference between days and by the time Friday rolls around, I would be itching to burst through the steel and glass walls of my building.

Work is going well. I'm not that lost anymore and even if I work with a mini-bitch, we get along fairly well. I have to say though, I'm still getting used to how Americans work. They may snap at you and seem bitchy but after ten minutes, once the problem has been resolved, they are all smiles again. MY GOD. Sometimes I feel like saying "Don't smile at me!!! I'm still annoyed!!! Away pa tayo ng konti!" Oh well. The lawyer seems to really like me and wants to train me for more challenging work. Not that what I do isn't challenging because to me, it is plenty challenging. I have to deal with short-tempered people at hospitals, police departments, and insurance companies. I'm on the phone a lot, which is a great learning experience because I have appalling phone behavior. I hem and haw and hesitate too much. And I continually say stupid things! Once, I was talking to one of our clients about how her treatment was going. She was telling me that there was still a lot of pain and she didn't know what to do about it. I said, "Well, I hope the pain dissolves magically away!"

That's what I said. To a really upset and potentially crazy lady. With a hint of cheer, might I add. Shit.

Oh, and the guy in charge of litigations was right behind me. Hurrah. He looked at me all weird and I wanted to peel my skin off, just to have something else to talk about.

Thankfully, the lady thought it was the funniest thing in the world and I was off the hook.

Another stupid moment was when I called the police department and greeted the officer with "Hi, good night." I didn't realize what I had done until the officer whooped with laughter.

So yeah, work's going well.

BJ and I are doing well, too. After more than four months of being together everyday, siguro naman we've gotten used to each other. I have to say, this is a whole new level of the relationship. No, actually, I feel like I'm with a whole new different person.

He is severely more irritable and a million times funnier than I expected.

I wait for him at the bus stop (because he's always late! Gah. It's okay though, just not at winter, if I ever get to stay for that long) and when I see him coming towards me, I still can't hold back a smile at the thought that he really is here, and he really is coming towards me.

I feel L U C K Y.

I feel lucky that my family has been open towards this phase of my life.

I feel lucky that I keep being given all these chances that not everybody gets.

Even if this... this I have doesn't last (I hope it does I pray it will), I'm lucky anyway.

No day but today

2005-06-10T11:31:00.000+08:00

Goosebumps.

When you run out of words...

2005-06-07T10:51:00.000+08:00

Total Number of Books Owned: I used to count it when I was younger but now my books are scattered all around the many bookshelves at home. At least 350.

Last Book I Bought: Because I'm cheap, I borrow books from the library. Last book I checked out was "Sun after Dark" by Pico Iyer.

Last Book I Read: Margaret Atwood's "Alias Grace" which I really really enjoyed.

Currently reading: "Slaughterhouse Five" by Kurt Vonnegut.

Five Books That Mean a Lot to Me that I Really Like:

- House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende because I read it when I was 9 and it had sex scenes. Haha. Dirty book.
- Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson. It's so goddamn beautiful. I read it every six months.
- Negotiating with the Dead by Margaret Atwood. I hate that I didn't bring it with me.
- Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley. My mom and I kept taking turns with it. I can honestly say that I was zapped into the book and was in a trance for a couple of days after I finished it.
- A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius. I bought it on Ebay and then bought another copy in National Bookstore for 100 pesos.
- One more. Tar baby by Toni Morrison. I read a certain part over and over and over again when I get the chance.

Tag five of your friends:

NO! I tag all of you!

2005-05-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

A conversation between BJ's mom and I at 7 in the morning.

Tita: Brownies na naman. Umagang umaga yan na ang kinakain mo
Me: Hehe
Tita: Anong babaunin mo? (for work)
Me: Wala po. Pero may dala akong cookies.
Tita: COOKIE NA NAMAN! GUGUTUMIN KA!
Me: Hehe

Sketches

2005-05-19T06:30:00.000+08:00

1. On the bus yesterday, an old man in a khaki suit sat beside me with a single, giant peacock feather. I was dying to ask him what it was for, but:

a) You cannot possibly engage in a coherent conversation while the bus is in motion. The engine is noisy and you might miss your stop.

b) He looked really tired and I might get shot by a crank attack.

c) I really just wanted to know what it was for but if I asked him, he might think I wanted a real question-and-answer-and-comment-and-all-over-again exchange. I didn't feel like it yesterday.

2. I have a cute busmate. He's an old old man who always wears a black suit, a bowler hat and a tie. His pants are always too short for him and he takes his dear sweet time when he walks. Like the cars and trucks didn't exist. It's hilarious. We both go to Barnes and Noble and there's a fairly big intersection and as soon as the "Walk" symbol goes on, I immediately break into a canter. Sometimes I gallop through it but this charming man? He would walk leisurely and turn to look at the cars all lined up like a battalion, ready to charge at the green light. So cute. Apparently, he plays chess everyday in Barnes and Noble. That's what another guy told me while we were crossing the street. A chess group with old men in suits. Be still, my heart.

3. When I was going to take the bus for the first time, my heart was beating so fast, and I was so harassed while waiting. I kept fingering my dollar and a quarter: putting the money in my pocket and taking it out again. Putting in pocket. Taking out. Finally, after what seemed like a century, I saw the bus from a distance. I stood up and all but jumped around to get the driver's attention. The minute the doors spit open, I clambered up and handed the driver my money:

"Can you tell me when it's at the Hazinghurst stop? I've never taken this bus before. Thanks."

-blank stare forward-

"Uh, here! My money!"

"I can't touch that," while pointing to a sign that said that indeed, he couldn't touch the money, and I can't talk to him too much. At this point, he decided he had had enough waiting for me so he got the bus moving. I was so embarrassed. Luckily, the people didn't give a fuck about me so they merely continued to stare out the window, make out, etc. I bit my nails.

Yun pala, it was HAYVENHURST. Not Hazinghurst. Yay, me.

I'm a better bus rider now, although I still get mini panic attacks waiting for it. At 4:30, I wash my hands. At 4:45, I start getting out my money and putting the exact change on the front pocket of my bag, if I don't have a pocket. At 4:53, I start walking to the bus stop and sitting down beside the Bewitched poster in front of KFC. Sometimes I can read, if I can ignore the fast cars and the occasional hooting. When the bus comes I sit in the chair nearest to the door. Those seats are primarily for the old and disabled people but if there aren't any, or the bus isn't full, it's okay. I always try counting how many stops it takes till it gets to mine but drivers always have their own routines. Sometimes they announce every stop and sometimes, they just wait for the cord to be pulled. Of course, I prefer the former.

Anyway, I don't know why I get an adrenaline rush every time I wait for the bus (and even when I'm on it) but I enjoy it. As long as nobody who stinks sits next to me.

Today is Clara's (BJ's niece) birthday. Happy birthday, baby! You're great to be with but please, no more scooping out your poop for me to smell. If your ninong still likes me enough to get married in the future, then I'll be your ninang. Won't that be great?

It's also my niece Kaya's birthday. Before she turned one, she could already talk, sing, and say "painting!" when she wanted to look at paintings. Genius baby, please be good to your mom! And tell ninong Franco to get you a gift.

I had it coming

2005-05-10T05:54:00.000+08:00

I don't make it a point to lie during job interviews, so when he asked me whether or not I was a team player, I said no. I told him that I have no problems working in groups but I prefer working alone because I perform better that way.

"Okay," he said. "You can start on monday. You'll be alone in the office. You like that, right?"

So today marks my second week at this part time job. It's not so bad, knowing it's temporary. I answer the phone (maximum of 2 calls in 8 hours), make spreadsheets, letters, etc. He leaves not later than 1pm and after that, I'm alone. Good thing I got a library card in the LA County Library so I'm never bored. The DSL isn't hooked up yet but I have my trusty sidekick and the radio.

As for a full-time job, well, I don't know anymore. I'm exhausted - interviewing with people who think I'm worth nothing with my degree. And the dirty, truly ugly offices. Oh god. The last interview was at an apartment complex with an almost opaque layer of mosquitoes (giant ones. The mosquitoes here are unbelievably large. Spindly, but large) and sad people. When Mr. Obnoxious asked me what I wrote for a certain magazine, I said that it was about body issues and I could bring my portfolio if he wanted.

"I don't have time to read."
"Ok. Well it was about body issues."
"So you were basically ranting."
"I was informing misled people."
"Ha ha"

Fuck you. Pinoy ka magtagalog ka. Kunyari ka pang may accent eh barok ka. Barok.

Before he brought me to the guy in charge, he looked at me disdainingly and barked, "Follow me." Ah pucha. I shut up. Baka sakaling ok naman yung office. I saw the guy in charge who was so unnecessarily arrogant. As was Mr. Obnoxious. Whenever the guy in charge made a quip, Mr.
Obnoxious just about hit his head on the table laughing, it was that fake. Ew. Ew ew ew. They hired me and told me to start today. Oh hell, no. Obviously, I didn't show up. I'm not giving up yet, though. I have a month (parents' deadline) and I might just strike gold. I have so much more stories to tell but my thumbs are tired. More when I'm on the laptop.

Saugus Cafe

2005-04-28T03:57:00.000+08:00

This place has always caught my eye, even during my first visit to BJ. Ironic, for such a nearly nondescript place. The sign, for instance, looks like it hasn't been changed since the place opened. The lettering is in old-fashioned and squat script, rundown and weathered. The low ceiling makes the place dark and yet, the parking lot is always bursting at the seams. When I took the train at 5:45, Saugus Cafe outshone the others because it was open. Even if I couldn't look in the windows, I knew that the coffee machines were churning, the counter was being warmed with steam and fingerprints ... I just knew it was alive. It made me want to jump from the train, run over, and have waffles dripping with butter.

Finally, on a whim, Ana and I found ourselves inside last Friday at 5pm. The inside was just as I imagined. Booths with vinyl benches and old tables. A long counter and behind, men and women in hairnets and t-shirts. Beside them were the pie containers, the kind with rotating shelves and glass panels. There were coffee machines, milkshake machines and the little bell they pressed when an order was up. Eating at the counter was an old man with a long beard and another one in a leather vest. Sitting at a booth were old floral ladies in big glasses with silver chains. At the back of the cafe, there was one of those machines that had toys inside you had to catch with a metal claw. And a jukebox (I wanted to play songs but it was a dollar for 3 songs. Uh, no thanks. I thought it would be a quarter but the lady said it was more expensive because it was a CD jukebox). That was as far as I could see because behind the jukebox, there was a door that led to a bar with orange lights and poker tables. We didn't go in there.

It was an iffy time so the place wasn't full and there were only two servers. A younger (than me) girl who wouldn't stop talking about a dress she had just ordered and a middle-aged woman, who smiled fondly at her. I ordered a milkshake and before the younger girl went to make it, she pushed a few dollars into the toy machine and tried her luck. "She's pretty good with that machine," the lady told us (she totally caught us staring). "She wins a bunch everyday." When her dollar bills were gone, the younger girl went to the older one and said cheerily, "I won a hat and some bears." And then she went and made my chocolate milkshake.

WHICH WAS THE BEST EVER MILKSHAKE I HAVE EVER TASTED. There were whole lumps of chocolate ice cream and a ton of whipped cream and chocolate sauce. Wow. Ana's chili-burger and the mozzarella sticks we ordered were great as well. As we were eating, an old lady in a walker was walking out while the lady server lectured her about her diet. "Keep your blood sugar level!" she said sternly, wagging a finger. "If I keep eating at this place, it never will be!" were the old lady's last words.

When Ana and I paid the bill, I held out the dollar bills to the girl to "put in the machine." She laughed a little and said, "And that's where they're gonna go."

(We went back yesterday and the milkshake wasn't that good, maybe because it was a different girl who made it. It was pretty disillusioning and reminded me of the "Dead Stars" story. I know, I know. It's an exaggeration. But I'm a milkshake monster and I could tell, so it was pretty disappointing. That doesn't mean I won't be back though.)

Bang bang

2005-04-23T01:31:00.000+08:00

I thought it was going to be so easy. I've planned this route for years. Looked at all the possible loopholes, all the advantages and disadvantages. It took all that I had to do this, to risk this.

All of a sudden, the world decides, "Oh no, most things are going your way and we can't have that. The universe can't have that and therefore, here are a couple more CONCRETE WALLS you have to bang yourself against."

I used to have the strength and optimism to face whatever comes my way but all that's going away now. And I refuse to call this reality check "growing up." No.

I have nothing positive to show for this hopeful jump at possible fulfillment. All I have are too-tight jeans, cheap shoes and an acquired taste for failure.

I think I'll just answer a survey:

1.Do u get JEALOUS easily? I don't really understand why "jealous" is in all caps but it's probably because the answer is yes. Unfortunately.

2. What have u been doing these past few days? Staying home and going crazy because of the lack of a job.

3. Last movie u watched? "Wit," which I really really enjoyed. It was excellent.

4. Fave song? why? I've been re-listening to a lot of Rachael Sage lately. "Bravedancing," in particular.

5. What are u planning to do this weekend? Take my mind off disappointments I can't do anything about. Oh, and there's a get-together on Sunday so... yeah. Eat.

6. Do u club? It was my first time to go to a club (as in "Go shorty, it's yo' birthday" 50 Cent kind of club) last month. I can't quite say I enjoyed it because the floor was dirty and the people couldn't dance for shit (including me, of course). The Midori Sour was good but I hope I can go to a better club (aesthetic-wise, people-dancing-wise) next time. Before that, I was in a club on Halloween with Cecile, Marts, Alexis and Chris. That was a whole lotta smoke.

7. Do u drink alcohol? Hm. If I were offered a drink, I would accept. I don't think I'd ever initiate a "Let's drink" kind of moment, though.

8. Any people in love with u right now? HOPEFULLY!

9. Do u prefer sms or talking on the phone? Neither.

10. Are u missing someone right now? Yeah - my family.

11. What are u doing right now? I was able to put Clara to sleep (my first time! Woo!! There's a certain victory in putting a baby to sleep pala, I never knew) so now I'm sort of watching her because stupid me put her on the edge of the bed and I'm afraid she might fall.

12. When was the last time u received an sms? from whom? Forty minutes ago. BJ told me to not lose hope.

13. 5 words to say about u? Self-stresser, pessimistic, moody, shy, nervous

14. Name ur good friends: Basta.

15. Who do u want to kiss right now? I don't want to kiss anyone right now.

16. (1) one person u want to spend the rest of ur life w/? BJ. Let's see what happens, though.

17. What were u doing before this? Reading Gamalinda's "Peripheral Vision." Finally.

18. What are you thinking of right now? How I can't find a job.

19.What did you do last night? I couldn't sleep because it was too hot so I went to the kitchen and ate Skyflakes with chicken spread. Oh, and I put my jeans on ebay.

20.What did you last say to a friend last night? To Martin: I feel like such a failure.

21.What attracts you to the opposite sex? Before it was how angas they were but now, I'm attracted to people who are comfortable with themselves. Oh, and if they don't wear sandos.

22.What makes you happy? Learning. Naks. Seriously, though. Be it through books or a conversation ... bobo is the worst state of mind.

23.Who's the last person u txtd last nyt? I don't think I texted anybody last night.

24.Who was the last person you talked to? BJ's mom.

25.What do you want to tell someone but you haven't? That I think I'm worth it.

26.When is your birthday? January 29

27 When is your crush's birthday? Halloween.

28. When did you last smile? Watching the baby eat corn.

29. Why did you answer this? Because it takes my mind off other things.

30. When will you marry? I don't know. Not yet.

31. When did u last receive a gift? Mailyn gave me Reese's cookies (which we have been hunting down but can't find anywhere!) the other day. Yay.

The powers of advertising

2005-04-22T02:14:00.000+08:00

Really smart Citibank slogan:

"Overtime pays you more, because of what you miss."

I'm never going to be a workaholic. As soon as I find a job, that is.

Update

2005-04-14T02:40:00.000+08:00

That sign is from a coffeeshop called "Karma," a place where BJ, his sister and I ended up, in the attempt to kill time while waiting for my friend Joanna. It was pretty awkward, considering the fact that there was this band called "Lazy Angels" playing and everyone knew each other. We slinked towards the back of the room to watch and keep warm(it was too damn windy outside). Everything about that moment was trippy - the band, their music, the place and the coffee.

They were giving out free t-shirts and even if I didn't recognize a single song they played, I was the first in line. The band members came up to Ana and I, saying we were awesome for coming to watch them, we were awesome for getting t-shirts and for signing up for their mailing list. We nodded and smiled even though deep inside, we were cringing with absolute embarrassment. Inching slowly away, we promised to watch their next gig.

I had fun. And the shirt's cool.

I can't believe I've been away from my family for more than two months now. There are moments where my heart just breaks with wanting to be with them. Two months is a pretty long time because that's more than enough time for people to gain weight and outgrow their clothes, enough time to get taller and have to buy bigger shoes, etc. I talked to Franco for a bit last week and was amazed at how his voice sounded different and far away. Or maybe it's just me. I'm glad my dad's voice is still unbelievably jolly and solid. My mom's is the same too and I miss them so so so so much. Also, two months is more than enough time for me to change. At the same time, though, I know I have to do this. This trying it out in a whole different atmosphere, this being with BJ to see if we really work... just this. I have weak moments where all I want to be is on my parent's bed and having dinner with them but who knows, I might just end up being there sooner than we all think. Life is pretty funky that way. Hell, I never thought I'd end up being able to grapple with my life this closely, without the comfort of my family. It's really up to me, at this point.

Yikes. And wow.

PS. Ironically, what keeps me going is knowing that I can give up anytime.

Best survey I've seen in a while

2005-04-09T23:31:00.000+08:00

Thanks Kristine!

The Book Quiz --

You're stuck inside Farenheit 451. What book do you want to be?
David Richter's "The Critical Tradition"

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
The unnamed character in Written on the Body.

The last book you bought is...
I borrowed a book from the library but the last book I bought would be "Eats, shoots and leaves."

Five books you would take to a deserted island:
1. Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson
2. The End of the Affair by Graham Greene
3. The Princess Bride by William Goldman
4. Norton Anthology of Literary Criticism
5. Helen Vendler's Poems, Poets, Poetry : An Introduction and Anthology (EJ told me I should read this so I can finally learn to read poetry)

What are you currently reading?
All About Love by bell hooks

Who are you going to pass this stick to and why?
Whoever wants to answer this.

Time Out

2005-04-05T11:03:00.000+08:00

I'm at the hospital right now, waiting with Clara for BJ's mom to finish her appointment. I don't know why I haven't been updating much, both here and in my other blog. Nothing substantial has happened so far, except for that week where I trained at a law firm. That didn't work out, which all works out for the best I guess. I don't think I can spend long hours filing, converting files into various forms, etc. I'll wait for the next opportunity that comes my way. So far, I've turned down 4 jobs. Not a good thing to be so picky but not a good thing to just settle, either.

Bj's family is wonderful and I appreciate having a second family, even though I miss my original brady bunch. I miss my mom very very much, as well as my dad and brother. They're the only ones who get me completely. I miss the laughs and the common interests and the unspeakable peace that comes with being who you really are. As for Bj and I, I guess we're okay. I was wrong to think that the trials would be over upon this long-term(I hope) reunion. So damn wrong. Suddenly, the relationship seems just as difficult as when we were apart. I have to deal with mood swings, unbelievable crankiness and basically just ... Change. I have to deal with the fact that Bj's a real person - in the sense that he's got flaws and inconsistencies. As do I, of course. We're dealing with a whole new getting-to-know-you process, which is thrilling and exhausting at the same time. I hope we get through this okay.

Last weekend I met up with one of my best friends from sixth grade to senior year high school. It was great seeing a good solid friend, and meeting hers as well. I have a bone to pick with the girl who wouldn't quit bopping my head though. Nobody bops my head. It took all my restraint not to yell at her: tangina wag mo akong batukan! Poof. On that note, I would like to say that I'm really quite bad at adjusting to Bj's friends and world but with a little time and effort (on his part as well, I should hope), maybe I'll get better.

I miss my friends and I miss knowing for sure that I could do anything I wanted in the place where I am comfortable and familiar with. At the same time, I'm thrilled at the challenges I am faced with, the biggest being my idleness. I wish things start moving up for me, or at least forward. The fact that nobody is taking care of me emotionally is difficult but then I want to reach a point in my life wherein I don't have to depend on anyone but myself. Perhaps I need this kind of loneliness, at this point in my life.

But I can honestly say that I'm some kind of happy. I'm grateful for that, anyway.

EDIT: I HAVE TICKETS FOR WICKED! WOOOOOO!!!!!!

Mourning

2005-03-26T02:50:00.000+08:00

Survey

2005-03-11T03:39:00.003+08:00

i am: deciding whether or not to have a haircut, because my hair dictator (my mom) isn't with me.
i miss: my hair dictator
i want: to watch so many movies
i have: to write an essay for my cousin's zine by this afternoon
i fear: not ever fitting into my fat pants soon. they're the perfect color. it'll truly suck if i don't gain enough weight for it
i hear: lenny kravitz
i care: too much that it's bordering on being unhealthy
i smile: to look happy
i wonder: if everything is going to be worth it
i love: this lovage album that alexis told me to download a couple of months back
i think: i should call the publishing company about the interview on monday
i always: worry about whether or not i'm making the right decision (don't we all)
i am not: that strong. nor am i that weak.
i sing: fairly well. haha.
i wish: i could write good poetry
i keep: asking myself if everything is going to work out
i can: be patient when it matters
i can't: stand being treated like just a girlfriend. i can't stand being introduced as a girlfriend. i have a name.
i write: not as well as i would like
i won: a spelling contest when i was in the fourth grade
i lost: my friend's VHS tapes of "Sound of Music" when we were in high school
i smell: tomatoes
i confuse: people a lot
i need: concrete results

Hell on wheels

2005-03-09T06:21:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: I am an unfortunate victim of Angas Boys Anonymous. I have a slight weakness for sullen, rude and alpha-male types. Do not, therefore, tell me that the following observation was wrought from a judgmental and biased point of view.

Boys are so easy to please. At the car show, they turned into brainless, spineless bacchanals at the sight of bikini-clad girls. Everywhere you turned, there were butts and breasts – sitting atop humongous speakers, signing autographs, twisting and turning pieces of flesh. They were like tar, what with their intentionally dark glances and the slow pouring of their bodies around the cars, on top, astride and all around them. You could practically hear the men’s loins convulsing in sync with the revving engines and the booming speakers.

It was horrible. I felt like I was covered in thick, gooey testosterone. Girls never want to see their boyfriends (or boy friends, for that matter) turn into panting dogs. The last thing girls want to feel towards their significant others is pity. Don’t get me wrong. The girls were definitely hot and I am neither jealous nor insecure. It’s just that it was such a perfect showcase for male delusion. I admire men with interests but I didn’t know that cars and women were so fundamental they’re instincts!

I am very thankful that Ana was with me because then I had someone to dance barefoot on newspapers with, not to mention hooting at oblivious men. Also, I had someone to look gleefully at when all the import models went into the bathroom to change. The men missed a LOT: squeezing breasts into tasseled bikinis and golden legs into silver space boots. The sight was SO entirely wasted on us. It was fascinating but nope, no hard-ons for us.

Then I have to watch all these wonderful films on tv with all these wonderful angas guys that turn into mush and reject all boobs and butts and I'm saying, "Where the fuck are they?"

Someday, there will be a room with Pharell, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, all the king's horses and all the cute men with unparalleled wit and intelligence, unlimited Reese's Peanut Butter cups, a mountain range of Mint and chocolate chip ice cream, pre-selected books, music, great clothes, shoes, the beach, sunshine and banigs.

And then all the girls can say "Ha ha."

Wislawa Szymborska

2005-03-04T06:07:00.000+08:00

Oh, and I just want to post this poem I got from here. It's beautiful and everyone needs to read it.

AMONG THE MULTITUDES

I am who I am.
A coincidence no less unthinkable
than any other.

I could have different
ancestors, after all.
I could have fluttered
from another nest
or crawled bescaled
from another tree.

Nature's wardrobe
holds a fair
supply of costumes:
Spider, seagull, fieldmouse.
each fits perfectly right off
and is dutifully worn
into shreds.

I didn't get a choice either,
but I can't complain.
I could have been someone
much less separate.
someone from an anthill, shoal, or buzzing swarm,
an inch of landscape ruffled by the wind.

Someone much less fortunate,
bred for my fur
or Christmas dinner,
something swimming under a square of glass.

A tree rooted to the ground
as the fire draws near.

A grass blade trampled by a stampede
of incomprehensible events.

A shady type whose darkness
dazzled some.

What if I'd prompted only fear,
Loathing,
or pity?

If I'd been born
in the wrong tribe
with all roads closed before me?

Fate has been kind
to me thus far.

I might never have been given
the memory of happy moments

My yen for comparison
might have been taken away.

I might have been myself minus amazement,
that is,
someone completely different.

Upchuck

2005-03-04T05:07:00.000+08:00

I feel really sick, like something is itching to get out of my stomach. I almost fainted in the shower this morning because my heart was beating so fast and I felt exhausted, even if I had just woken up. Definitely not good, especially since I had a job interview to go to. I threw on ill-fitting clothes and left the house without earrings (my mother will be furious) because at this point, I just didn't care anymore.

In the car, I gagged multiple times and you could tell BJ was a mix of loving concern for the sick girlfriend but also, very deathly afraid for the car. We reached the place intact and dry (thank goodness) but the relief was shortlived. The minute BJ pulled over by the side of the road, I opened the door and vomited in front of a very put-together house. Uh-oh.

Anyway, I pulled through. The lady wants me to come back tomorrow to "try me out." I'm not so sure about the job but it's worth a try.

Oh, one thing about interviews. Never say you want it for "experience." The person interviewing you will think you're not that serious about the job and will also think that you aren't loyal. I know this is a no-no but I went right ahead and said it anyway. I swear, I am on a whole new level of katangahan.

This calls for a nap.

PS. The second I got home I raced to the bathroom and hurled out a kind of orange broth. It's either the sardines I had last night or the karekare.